People say that I only care about myself, because I always forget things they say to me. Buddy, I forget what I say too, dafuq?
May 8, 2025 at 9:35 PM
People say that I only care about myself, because I always forget things they say to me. Buddy, I forget what I say too, dafuq?
They should invent a way to do the dishes silently when someone else is sleeping
April 27, 2025 at 9:08 PM
They should invent a way to do the dishes silently when someone else is sleeping
Sometimes I will see that old coworkers are still working at the restaurant and I think, “I wonder if they ever got even kind of good at their job?”
April 27, 2025 at 9:04 PM
Sometimes I will see that old coworkers are still working at the restaurant and I think, “I wonder if they ever got even kind of good at their job?”
“Do you know how many $40 concerts you’d have to go to to equal one $400 concert?”
April 20, 2025 at 4:21 AM
“Do you know how many $40 concerts you’d have to go to to equal one $400 concert?”
Fucked up that Scorpio is a water sign but at the same time I am both very much a Scorpio and very much a water sign so whatever
April 19, 2025 at 4:42 PM
Fucked up that Scorpio is a water sign but at the same time I am both very much a Scorpio and very much a water sign so whatever
Wait til you hear about what stains the mountaintops
April 12, 2025 at 9:25 PM
Wait til you hear about what stains the mountaintops
My therapist says I’m going to have to try and I’m pissed
April 9, 2025 at 11:35 PM
My therapist says I’m going to have to try and I’m pissed
Love to order ahead to skip the line but have all the orders kept at the cash register where you order so I still have to stand in line to get my food that is literally sitting next to the cashier.
April 9, 2025 at 5:32 PM
Love to order ahead to skip the line but have all the orders kept at the cash register where you order so I still have to stand in line to get my food that is literally sitting next to the cashier.
Reposted by Pookie
Biggest commitment to a 3 second joke I've ever seen
April 9, 2025 at 6:33 AM
Biggest commitment to a 3 second joke I've ever seen
It’s weird how things ripple out. I feel like such a failure, but people tell me how these small interactions with me have changed their lives. Inspired them to pursue a dream, get sober, reconnect with estranged family… I didn’t try to do any of that. Little moments and interactions resonating…
April 9, 2025 at 2:06 PM
It’s weird how things ripple out. I feel like such a failure, but people tell me how these small interactions with me have changed their lives. Inspired them to pursue a dream, get sober, reconnect with estranged family… I didn’t try to do any of that. Little moments and interactions resonating…
My boss is mad at me that I liquidated all my personal stock holdings a month ago when I saw all this coming and I didn’t mention it to him and now all his money is gone.
April 7, 2025 at 3:16 PM
My boss is mad at me that I liquidated all my personal stock holdings a month ago when I saw all this coming and I didn’t mention it to him and now all his money is gone.
“The answer may surprise you.”
You don’t know me like that.
You don’t know me like that.
April 2, 2025 at 4:52 PM
“The answer may surprise you.”
You don’t know me like that.
You don’t know me like that.
Reposted by Pookie
Something you gotta know about me: if I see a dog, I’m GONNA smile
March 28, 2025 at 6:35 PM
Something you gotta know about me: if I see a dog, I’m GONNA smile
Unfortunately for you, my algorithm is saying I’m correct to feel the way I do
March 24, 2025 at 2:57 PM
Unfortunately for you, my algorithm is saying I’m correct to feel the way I do
Downtown apartments always have those signs like, “If you lived here, you’d be home already.”
Literally any residence could have that sign and it would be true!
Literally any residence could have that sign and it would be true!
March 10, 2025 at 11:29 PM
Downtown apartments always have those signs like, “If you lived here, you’d be home already.”
Literally any residence could have that sign and it would be true!
Literally any residence could have that sign and it would be true!
Everyone I talk to keeps emailing me a list of crisis hotlines “just in case” and, honestly, it’s starting to piss me off
March 4, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Everyone I talk to keeps emailing me a list of crisis hotlines “just in case” and, honestly, it’s starting to piss me off
There are a thousand obstacles in my life and all of them are me with a fake mustache.
March 4, 2025 at 4:49 AM
There are a thousand obstacles in my life and all of them are me with a fake mustache.
He asks me what’s at the end of this.
If the voice goes away, will I be happy?
I think I’d be lonely.
It’s such a stupid thing to say that I don’t say it.
I say I don’t know. I never think that I know.
But I always know.
If the voice goes away, will I be happy?
I think I’d be lonely.
It’s such a stupid thing to say that I don’t say it.
I say I don’t know. I never think that I know.
But I always know.
March 4, 2025 at 4:47 AM
He asks me what’s at the end of this.
If the voice goes away, will I be happy?
I think I’d be lonely.
It’s such a stupid thing to say that I don’t say it.
I say I don’t know. I never think that I know.
But I always know.
If the voice goes away, will I be happy?
I think I’d be lonely.
It’s such a stupid thing to say that I don’t say it.
I say I don’t know. I never think that I know.
But I always know.
Reposted by Pookie
The good news is i saved you 60 billion dollars. The bad news is that is a typo i saved you 600 dollars and also your plane is falling out of the sky
February 20, 2025 at 6:56 AM
The good news is i saved you 60 billion dollars. The bad news is that is a typo i saved you 600 dollars and also your plane is falling out of the sky
My mother told me, “You’re not a very nice guy, Luke, but you are very kind.” I found that very affirming, because I don’t need to be nice to be coming from a place of kindness.
February 17, 2025 at 7:47 PM
My mother told me, “You’re not a very nice guy, Luke, but you are very kind.” I found that very affirming, because I don’t need to be nice to be coming from a place of kindness.
Yesterday I played the first chapter of Harold Halibut and somehow it has completely destabilized my existence.
February 17, 2025 at 6:23 PM
Yesterday I played the first chapter of Harold Halibut and somehow it has completely destabilized my existence.
Weird for someone to text me when it’s their move in our chess game. Focus up, bud.
February 7, 2025 at 2:33 PM
Weird for someone to text me when it’s their move in our chess game. Focus up, bud.
A job I applied to two years ago and never heard from just emailed me asking if I knew anyone looking for work
January 29, 2025 at 9:23 PM
A job I applied to two years ago and never heard from just emailed me asking if I knew anyone looking for work
Thank you, AppleTV preroll ads, I guess I don’t need to watch your other shows now that you’ve told me their season finale twists!
January 26, 2025 at 11:54 PM
Thank you, AppleTV preroll ads, I guess I don’t need to watch your other shows now that you’ve told me their season finale twists!