Wander Lüst
@lookingformyself.bsky.social
Doing the walk of life and trying to make sense of it. A microjournal to make journaling easier. Stray thoughts congealing into something coherent.
The perfumery and travel agent courses I wanted to take feel like a distant dream now and I wish I would have done them when I was thinking about them. I still have my drive though. I still will be taking my French lessons and working on my Visa. I can't let this malaise sit in too deeply
September 28, 2025 at 4:00 AM
The perfumery and travel agent courses I wanted to take feel like a distant dream now and I wish I would have done them when I was thinking about them. I still have my drive though. I still will be taking my French lessons and working on my Visa. I can't let this malaise sit in too deeply
The few things I really wanted to focus on when I got back have taken a back seat because I don't have the capacity to indulge in them like I want to. My crystal bowls have been bought and they sit as I haven't done my certification. My poi barely spin.
September 28, 2025 at 4:00 AM
The few things I really wanted to focus on when I got back have taken a back seat because I don't have the capacity to indulge in them like I want to. My crystal bowls have been bought and they sit as I haven't done my certification. My poi barely spin.
I think the worst part has been the lack of time. My freedom was mine to do with as I wished and I felt that I could indulge in everything I was interested in. Now, I'm back to being at the whim of what I have the room for and what my intellectual capacity will allow
September 28, 2025 at 4:00 AM
I think the worst part has been the lack of time. My freedom was mine to do with as I wished and I felt that I could indulge in everything I was interested in. Now, I'm back to being at the whim of what I have the room for and what my intellectual capacity will allow
I emptied my storage container and was met with months and months of clothes that were packed away. I managed to purge some of them but others made it in the house. I still have things in my office that I'm afraid to bring home. I want to shed all this like a second skin
September 28, 2025 at 4:00 AM
I emptied my storage container and was met with months and months of clothes that were packed away. I managed to purge some of them but others made it in the house. I still have things in my office that I'm afraid to bring home. I want to shed all this like a second skin
And I am embracing them just as much as they embraced me. At the same time, my day today is such a drastic change from what it was less than a month ago. I feel like an anchor is tied around my neck. I immediately began to clutter my house again with things I didn't need
September 28, 2025 at 4:00 AM
And I am embracing them just as much as they embraced me. At the same time, my day today is such a drastic change from what it was less than a month ago. I feel like an anchor is tied around my neck. I immediately began to clutter my house again with things I didn't need
There was a despair about the whole experience as if I never left this toxic place. Externally there was so much Beauty as people welcomed me back and missed me just as much as I didn't realize I missed them. My community was a large reason I came back. There's genuine love here
September 28, 2025 at 4:00 AM
There was a despair about the whole experience as if I never left this toxic place. Externally there was so much Beauty as people welcomed me back and missed me just as much as I didn't realize I missed them. My community was a large reason I came back. There's genuine love here
It gets easier to believe as I love myself more but I don't want to forget that people truly care about my well being and me as a person. I will not be leaving their love behind and I've carried it with me all year. Lastly, I don't want to forget this experience.
August 31, 2025 at 6:39 AM
It gets easier to believe as I love myself more but I don't want to forget that people truly care about my well being and me as a person. I will not be leaving their love behind and I've carried it with me all year. Lastly, I don't want to forget this experience.
If I'm not having fun or not feeling fulfilled by an event, a job, or a person, I'm leaving. Apparently I'm at midlife and I don't have the time left to engage in things that don't serve me. I don't want to forget my friends. I'm still honestly shocked sometimes that people love me.
August 31, 2025 at 6:39 AM
If I'm not having fun or not feeling fulfilled by an event, a job, or a person, I'm leaving. Apparently I'm at midlife and I don't have the time left to engage in things that don't serve me. I don't want to forget my friends. I'm still honestly shocked sometimes that people love me.
And wondering why I wasn't being called. I don't regret the few men I dated this year because I definitely learned something but I do regret some of the casual sex as it didn't fulfill me (still fucking tho, will just be more judicious about it). I'm not going to do things I don't enjoy
August 31, 2025 at 6:39 AM
And wondering why I wasn't being called. I don't regret the few men I dated this year because I definitely learned something but I do regret some of the casual sex as it didn't fulfill me (still fucking tho, will just be more judicious about it). I'm not going to do things I don't enjoy
Regarding how I relish in new experiences and ways of living. I will be doing everything I put it in my head to do as long as I can figure out a way to do it. I don't want my life to revolve around men. Finding one, fucking them, chasing any, no more. I wasted a lot of time looking for sex
August 31, 2025 at 6:39 AM
Regarding how I relish in new experiences and ways of living. I will be doing everything I put it in my head to do as long as I can figure out a way to do it. I don't want my life to revolve around men. Finding one, fucking them, chasing any, no more. I wasted a lot of time looking for sex
That there's no way I can make it make sense here quite yet. I think what is coming easier is to focus on what I don't want as I return to the states. I don't want a life half lived. It feels like something I already knew but this experience solidified so many things for me
August 31, 2025 at 6:39 AM
That there's no way I can make it make sense here quite yet. I think what is coming easier is to focus on what I don't want as I return to the states. I don't want a life half lived. It feels like something I already knew but this experience solidified so many things for me
I've decided it will be filled with sounds, people, meaningful research, writing, teaching, and therapy/coaching. This will be the natural extension of my career with a few additions. It will be balanced and fulfilling. It will access and embrace all parts of me. Most importantly, it will be joyful
August 23, 2025 at 11:00 AM
I've decided it will be filled with sounds, people, meaningful research, writing, teaching, and therapy/coaching. This will be the natural extension of my career with a few additions. It will be balanced and fulfilling. It will access and embrace all parts of me. Most importantly, it will be joyful
I still worked. I still got things done but my every thought wasn't consumed with "something to do." I felt free to focus on what felt right to me that day. There's a small joy in not having time pressure or a boss forcing your hand and decisions. I want that feeling for my next phase of life
August 23, 2025 at 11:00 AM
I still worked. I still got things done but my every thought wasn't consumed with "something to do." I felt free to focus on what felt right to me that day. There's a small joy in not having time pressure or a boss forcing your hand and decisions. I want that feeling for my next phase of life
This year has been full of everything I wanted and many things I needed. Discussions, distractions, dick, disease. Done. All in the pursuit of a better me (which I think I've found). My successes outweighed my failures and every failure was a lesson. I got time to stop and actually process things
August 23, 2025 at 11:00 AM
This year has been full of everything I wanted and many things I needed. Discussions, distractions, dick, disease. Done. All in the pursuit of a better me (which I think I've found). My successes outweighed my failures and every failure was a lesson. I got time to stop and actually process things
I was in such a bright space that I didn't think, I just moved. I didn't have the room or the need to be self conscious. I didn't want to stop myself, I wanted to experience and I did. Next week I have to return to a life that I know is coming to a close. A life with happiness but questionable joy
August 23, 2025 at 11:00 AM
I was in such a bright space that I didn't think, I just moved. I didn't have the room or the need to be self conscious. I didn't want to stop myself, I wanted to experience and I did. Next week I have to return to a life that I know is coming to a close. A life with happiness but questionable joy
My first thought upon seeing the video is how do I keep this. How do I keep this feeling that escapes me so often but in that moment, was deep in my bones. It was innocuous at the time, just friends in an empty restaurant remembering our childhoods. Shared experiences of the 80s
August 23, 2025 at 11:00 AM
My first thought upon seeing the video is how do I keep this. How do I keep this feeling that escapes me so often but in that moment, was deep in my bones. It was innocuous at the time, just friends in an empty restaurant remembering our childhoods. Shared experiences of the 80s
We can only be free in the right conditions and sometimes our mind may be ready but we are not in the right place to do the work. They have to come together in order to meet the moment as it needs to be met. Tonight I met a moment and I hope to keep meeting them as the summer continues
June 14, 2025 at 10:18 PM
We can only be free in the right conditions and sometimes our mind may be ready but we are not in the right place to do the work. They have to come together in order to meet the moment as it needs to be met. Tonight I met a moment and I hope to keep meeting them as the summer continues
We were simultaneously praising different gods and the same gods in the same church. I felt connected to people I never said a word to in the spirit of freedom. Being locked up is somewhat a state of mind but it's also a state of location.
June 14, 2025 at 10:18 PM
We were simultaneously praising different gods and the same gods in the same church. I felt connected to people I never said a word to in the spirit of freedom. Being locked up is somewhat a state of mind but it's also a state of location.
Spinning around and gliding from two step to triple shuffle I didn't care who saw me. I didn't care what they thought. We were all in this temporary church to praise whatever we chose. The dj, the music, the dance, or ourselves. It was a celebration both together and apart
June 14, 2025 at 10:18 PM
Spinning around and gliding from two step to triple shuffle I didn't care who saw me. I didn't care what they thought. We were all in this temporary church to praise whatever we chose. The dj, the music, the dance, or ourselves. It was a celebration both together and apart
They felt free, they moved to free, they lived free, and it inspired me to move freely too. A little liquid courage of course put the inspiration was there and followed. I found my heaven on the dance floor. As the dj played "I get lifted" I ascended. I felt closer to that God I can never find
June 14, 2025 at 10:18 PM
They felt free, they moved to free, they lived free, and it inspired me to move freely too. A little liquid courage of course put the inspiration was there and followed. I found my heaven on the dance floor. As the dj played "I get lifted" I ascended. I felt closer to that God I can never find
That's something what's the thing I needed that I did not get the night before. Alone, not knowing anyone, and in a part of town I've never visited I found my people. Mind you, most of these folks or at least 7 to 10 years older than me but their movements were at least half their age
June 14, 2025 at 10:18 PM
That's something what's the thing I needed that I did not get the night before. Alone, not knowing anyone, and in a part of town I've never visited I found my people. Mind you, most of these folks or at least 7 to 10 years older than me but their movements were at least half their age
They played some during the skating event and I felt like I could glide right out of the rink and fly into the air. My plan was to go to a club that played house right after and even though I was tired I pushed myself. I wanted to rest but something was calling me
June 14, 2025 at 10:18 PM
They played some during the skating event and I felt like I could glide right out of the rink and fly into the air. My plan was to go to a club that played house right after and even though I was tired I pushed myself. I wanted to rest but something was calling me