A lot of people think that being bisexual means I'm slutty. Really it means I sit weird on the couch while I crochet with a hockey game on my laptop and a football game on my TV and also I'm slutty

Not to be dramatic but when Jack Hanna dies that might be my own cue to depart from this mortal coil

you ever be so sleepy that you're angry about it

Me at work: doing consummate professional things

Also me at work, talking to myself: "kweekbewk onwine"

my blinker is the same tempo as champagne problems

Something I still think about sometimes is when I was in high school dating a guy who was in college and he broke up with me via text message because he had decided to transfer somewhere else and live with his sister and then they didn't accept his transfer

it used to be i could just go on youtube and watch one video of a prairie dog going "wahoo" and i would be good for the day, but now im up to 16-24 videos of prairie dogs lifting their little arms in the air and going "yippee" just to feel on the level

Dwight and Angela regularly treated each other like shit, be fucking for real right now

Where are all the funny people on this app

justin truedou get brexit done you lousy some of a bitch

Cat pic for your Tuesday morning

You are not READY for Witch next week!! Come on down to Cajun country and see a play! https://beaumontcommunityplayers.thundertix.com/events/216095

If gossip has a million fans, then I’m one of them.
If gossip has one fan, then I’m THAT ONE.
If gossip has no fans, that means I’m dead.

I have entered the "after" era of my life (I'm using a laundry service)

biblically accurate wife and it's just a single rib