I keep thinking about this a lot recently, and how much time ends up being wasted on kind of idling, just cuz you can.

There's definitely something to how, if I didn't have these feeds to idly scroll, I would get bored enough to do /something/. But these feeds are so good at keeping you the most minimum energy engaged, you don't really hit that point of frustration where you do go do smth.

In the sense that, nothing days just kind of happen to everyone. But I keep getting the sense that I could be doing at least /something/ that I want to do longterm. I'm not even talking about being productive, but like. Read, play a game, doodle, anything.

Just one of those little aches that you accumulate as you age

I do treasure my friends throughout all this. Both irl and online. They're kinder to me than I am to myself, and sometimes we need that.

I envy a lot of people around me that seemingly are able to live a lot more shamelessly, self-assuredly, or just.... not giving a fuck. I get bogged down by both personal pride and shame and feelings of worthiness.

Everything that I've yet to face and have set out to do is entirely achievable, if I'm able to keep morale and keep working on self-improvement. But man, it's tough.

There's also a kind of embarrassment to returning to job search not with your head held high, but hung low.

I guess the main thing is that this feels like some deep personal failure, and a part of a larger pattern of continuous behavior that I struggle with.

and ever since a friend pointed out a thing I said in passing during raid, "damn, those reasons to live keep piling up. guess I gotta keep going," it's been a nice thought to think back to

Good enough can be /good enough/, the best you could've done was the best you could do. Like, sure, it's more nuanced that that, but so many people I know, myself included, get so stuck in the what I could've done or could've been doing.

But also talked in therapy how I AM trying to cut myself more slack. How, for as funny as the joke, "god had to nerf me, or I'd have been too powerful," is, it still feeds into the damaging idea that there's some hidden potential in me that I could reach, if I wasn't xyz and did xyz more.

also just, extra stress I didn't need hhjdfhg

still, I gotta haul ass out of the house on Thursday, and I've still got schoolwork I gotta finish by Sat. That's 3 hours I could've been studying flushed down the transit toilet.

ok apparently my other co-worker also got an inv, glad I asked. Still kinda sus.

Thank you for reading this far, if you did.

There's no reason to kill myself over this, by potentially ruining both my physical and mental health, and putting my job in an even more precarious position.