Affirmation: Honesty is kindness. Directness is kindness.

It IS possible to be kind to the person you’re communicating with AND yourself by being direct. You offer them kindness by giving them clarity. You offer yourself kindness by honoring your truth.

Many of us have internalized an either/or framework in relationships, “Either I’m kind to them or I’m kind to me, either I’m honest with them or I’m honest with me.”

We don’t want to put ourselves through the discomfort of being honest. We don’t want to put ourselves through the potential discomfort of disappointing someone. We don’t want to risk them being displeased with us or not liking us. But it isn’t kind to them.

This statement both acknowledges your genuine current feelings, communicates that you want to respond differently but are unable to, and offers your partner gratitude and appreciation for honoring their relationship with you and caring for you by being open and honest with you.

I am struggling to respond to this with the energy and care that I would like to but I want to thank you for sharing this with me and keeping your commitment to being transparent.”

A lot of folks in nonmonogamy are claiming their partners have the freedom to do as they please but they give their partners hell to pay if they exercise that freedom. Then will turn around and take the same liberties they make so challenging for their partners. It’s not fair.

Since I like a lot of freedom to do what I please, I had to figure out how to give my partners the breadth of freedom that I want to enjoy. That was the beginner work. The next phase of that work was learning to give them PEACE in that freedom so they could actually enjoy it.

If I give someone the liberty to make a choice but not peace around making the choice, is that even really freedom?

In the past, I would give my partners the liberty to engage in nonmonogamy but I wouldn’t give them peace to do it. They constantly had to weigh the choice to do what they desired against the knowledge that making that choice would likely mean entering into turmoil between us.

I have since updated the saying to “I do not take liberties that I am unwilling to afford with PEACE.”

Once I make a choice to engage in a particular behavior, I accept that it is now open season for my partners to also choose to engage in that behavior with others.

I want to demonstrate that I am a safe space for their feelings because they can trust that I will honor this understanding.

To quote Amina Peterson “I am not responsible FOR the feelings of others. I am sensitive TO the feelings of others. I am not irresponsible WITH the feelings of others.”

I embrace that I am emotionally connected to my partners and as a result, the choices I make can have an emotional impact on them. While I will not let my partners feelings govern my choices, I will let them inform my choices and I will consider them in my decision making.

There is such a thing as being careless and irresponsible with someone’s feelings. If I claim to care about someone, that means I care about the totality of the individual, and that includes their feelings. I desire to demonstrate to my partners that I am responsible WITH their feelings.

No, I’m not “responsible” for their feelings, but I understand that being with someone means that I’ll likely have an impact on their feelings & I desire to acknowledge & attempt to understand that impact. And I want that impact to be positive, as much as I’m capable of & willing to achieve.

It’s learning to trust myself as someone who will stand up for myself & what I want and need from other humans & from life. So many people talk about the importance of having people that will stand up for them but don’t apply that to themselves. Can you trust yourself to stand up for YOU?