In rushing to “fix it”, you risk causing your partners to feel sadness or frustration that they may have been unheard by you, that they’re a problem you’re trying to solve, that you’re rushing them through their process, or that their feelings are a nuisance to you.

Indirectness≠Tactfulness/Kindness
(Thank you, Cenetta)
When we’re indirect with somone, especially when we have to communicate something uncomfortable to them or perhaps reject them, we think we’re doing it to be kind to them but really, we’re only concerned about being kind to ourselves.

A helpful statement to utilize in polyamory when your partner shares something with you about another person they are involved with that causes you to experience challenging emotions is:

You can love your own company & still feel sad about not having someone to share it with. You can love & validate yourself & still feel longing for someone to validate you. We need to stop pushing the idea that folks can self-love themselves out of the BASIC HUMAN DESIRE & NEED FOR CONNECTION.

Chemistry ≠ Compatibility

CHEMISTRY: liking a person and them liking you in the same or in a similar way.

COMPATIBILITY: liking the relationship experience you have with a person and them liking the relationship experience they have with you.

A personal saying of mine in nonmonogamy is “I don’t take liberties that I’m unwilling to afford.” For example, if I would have a hard time supporting my partner taking a two-week vacation with someone else, I don’t ask them to hold space for me taking a two-week vacation with someone else.

A sentiment I have heard repeated often amongst polyam and nonmonogamous folks is “I am not responsible for my partner’s feelings.”

I have come to understand that the primary purpose of communicating my wants and needs is not to GET my wants and needs from people (which I have little to no control over). The primary purpose of communicating my wants and needs is to build my trust in my OWN self advocacy.

Today’s Polyamory Reminder:
Becoming mired in the shame and guilt of your past mistakes in polyamory can impede your ability to move on and grow. Give yourself grace by understanding that you weren’t capable of better at the time and forgive yourself.

Polyamory Hack:
When you find yourself feeling complicated uncomfortable feelings about what your partner is doing in nonmonogamy, a good question you can pose to yourself to examine the feelings is “Would the part of me that is my partner’s friend be upset about this?” For example:

Wholesome Polyamory Moment: My partner crashing my virtual movie date with my metamour and getting to see them be silly with each other while snuggling. We watched “The Secret of Nimh”. I dozed off for a bit. They let me sleep. Cotton Candy sweetness. 🥰

A commmon occurrence in polyamory, especially amongst folks who have experienced relationships that were hostile environments for their nonmonogamy, or with folks who identify as “people pleasers”, is these same people attempting to course-correct by entering into their “Me Era”.

A Personal Polyamory Share: I have a birthday coming up in March and I’m celebrating it by going on a trip with BAE. I’m flying out to see them and we’re going on a road trip to a nearby beautiful locale.

Learning to differentiate between our partners doing something wrong (betraying us) or doing something we don’t like/makes us uncomfortable (causes us to feel betrayed) is important because the two instances have different approaches, responses, and solutions.

When you’re truly content w/ what someone is giving you, what they give to others doesn’t matter much to you. I only desire relationships where folks are giving me EXACTLY what they wish to give me & that’s EXACTLY enough for me.
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#Musings

On Intentionally Seeking to be Less “Angry & Upset” with my Partners in Nonmonogamy

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#polyamory #polyamorous #enm #ethicalnonmonogamy #consensualnonmonogamy #nonmonogamy #nonmonogamous

I was having a conversation with my amazing, HELLA smart, HELLA fine, funny, exquisite metamour and I was sharing with her about an internal polyamory challenge I recently experienced with our partner.

Today’s Polyamory Reminder:
Be gentle and loving when correcting yourself.

Inspired by adrienne maree brown

What up, Fam? It’s ya girl, ‘Vita.