Ben Nothing
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knessjm.bsky.social
Ben Nothing
@knessjm.bsky.social
100 followers 220 following 700 posts
Apanthropic recluse
~Cats, wildlife, anarchism, Pro-Wres, music~
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knessjm.bsky.social
Day 103

Stagnation
I'm finding it very hard to get out of bed these days. Between the illness, the short days, the dreary weather, and the ensuing depression that those things evoke, I haven't left the house in days.
November 11, 2025 at 12:16 AM
knessjm.bsky.social
November 9, 2025 at 8:17 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 102

Inside out once again
Another very long day lost to illness and disarray. I am very tired of waiting to be OK.
November 9, 2025 at 1:02 AM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 101

Emptiness
November 5, 2025 at 10:06 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 100

The light remains at the horizon
Things happening, always out of reach, always somewhere else.
November 4, 2025 at 5:48 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
November 4, 2025 at 4:07 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 99

Drip
Another rainy week begins. An errand took me to an old neighborhood I used to live in, and I listened to some music that I used to listen to back then. Sometimes simple rituals can conjure emotions that you forgot you had, but there's always a cost.
November 3, 2025 at 8:48 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 98

Clouded in
The flip side of having agoraphobia is that I feel very comfortable in small spaces, like the opposite of claustrophobia. I've had to get MRIs for my spine a few times, and every time the techs are surprised at how calm and casual I am about being in the machine for a while, because I actually find it very relaxing and don't mind staying in for as long as they need me to. Thick fog like this can give me a sort of similar feeling, making it seem like the whole world has gotten smaller and cozier all of a sudden, the thick clouds making it possible to imagine that we've been cut off from the whole rest of the world and that all that exists is a little two block radius around us. A comforting illusion.
November 2, 2025 at 3:57 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 97

Repeat
Nothing new today
November 1, 2025 at 11:46 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 96

Time Hole
Some days just feel like they don't exist. This day isn't real, it's just a glitch in time. Reality is buffering and we just gotta wait until it starts up again. Waiting gets harder as it goes on for longer, but then it starts getting easier when you settle into some tolerable routines. Eventually a real day will come along again.
October 31, 2025 at 7:30 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 95

Sleeping in shifts
The days are getting shorter, the nights are getting longer, and I'm not sleeping much, so I've been spending much more time sitting in the dark lately.
October 31, 2025 at 12:37 AM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 94

Unseen crows
Every time I hear something but can't see the source, I have to wonder if it's a hallucination or not. That's just something that happens to me from time to time. It's perfectly reasonable to think that when I hear a crow outside my window but can't see it that it must be somewhere nearby, but it's entirely possible that my brain is just inventing a crow sound for no particular reason. It's taken a long time for me to get used to the fact that I can't always trust my own senses, and it makes navigating the world more difficult.
October 29, 2025 at 10:08 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 93

Night rushes in
I've been having a terrible time trying to sleep lately. For the last few nights I've only managed to get 2-3 hours of sleep before waking up around 2 AM unable to sleep any more. I've ended up staying up until sunrise before I can finally manage to get another 3 hours of sleep or so, which is just enough to keep me functional but tired and sore for the rest of the day. Essentially I've replaced sleeping through the night with a series of unsatisfying naps. I'm hoping that I can break that trend tonight by doubling up on my sleep meds, but there's a chance that it'll just turn insomnia into even more hazy and disoriented insomnia. We shall see.
October 28, 2025 at 1:49 AM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 92

Brief blue between rain storms
I don't know what to do with myself these days. I might just be adjusting to the seasonal changes but it definitely feels like I've been getting sick more often over the last few weeks. My immune system reacts strongly for seemingly no reason, giving me fevers, body aches, and fitful sleep at night. I take the meds, try to avoid eating anything other than the half dozen items of food I usually eat, do a bit of physical therapy, and just try to wait it out. At a certain point, however, it feels like I'm just waiting out my whole life, impatient to be done with it.
October 27, 2025 at 1:54 AM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 91

The rains continue
October 25, 2025 at 10:54 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 90

Downpour
It is a rainy rainy day outside, and I plan to spend it inside. When the weather is overcast and cold I prefer it if it rains because at least that adds some ambience. We have many more days like this to get through over the next couple of seasons, and I have already switched over to my warmer clothes and have broken out the weighted blanket for my bed. Now the goal is to be as cozy and peaceful as possible while keeping the bleak depression at bay.
October 24, 2025 at 3:48 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
This is the guy that was shrieking outside my window last night. Dunno what he was so worked up about, but I accidentally interrupted his lunch today by shifting my footing and scaring him off.
October 22, 2025 at 11:00 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 89

Shutdown
Sometimes the days stand still and you're left in a period of waiting, nothing of note occurring for hours, days, or weeks at a time. Just killing time until something changes. Go through the motions, feel nothing, remember nothing, ignore the way the dullness and the aches gradually get worse. Just wait. What is coming is unknown, but eventually something will change, somehow.
October 22, 2025 at 8:56 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 88

Video instead of a picture today, as this squirrel has been going off for over 5 minutes now, just chirping away for unknown reasons
October 22, 2025 at 1:34 AM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 87

Shush
Some days I just want to stay in the dark
October 20, 2025 at 1:46 AM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 86

Rot
Sleep
October 18, 2025 at 4:12 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Day 85

Smudged windows
I wish I could clean the window easily, but it's a second story window and I am not going to climb up a ladder to scrub the window from 15 feet off the ground with my back problems. Trying to balance on a ladder as my legs go numb sounds like something out of a stress nightmare.
October 16, 2025 at 7:34 PM
knessjm.bsky.social
Every third video is my favorite gremlin man
October 16, 2025 at 2:48 AM
knessjm.bsky.social
October 16, 2025 at 2:37 AM
knessjm.bsky.social
The Tik-Tok algorithm has successfully determined that I am mentally ill so it has shunted me into the psychotic section of the feed and now all the videos on my FYP are like this
October 16, 2025 at 2:36 AM