Thanks, DB, Bern. Let's do this again soon. End.

Arrived in Basel, but will I make my connection? No, because the doors won't open again. I'm kicking myself for not bringing my skis, because clearly this holiday has potential. ?/n

Very close to Switzerland now, though another long unplanned stop at the border means the connection in Basel will be very tight. Other passengers are optimistic, though I've long since accepted that this is not a business trip anymore. I've gone on holiday by mistake. 20/n

Looks like I'll be late for my dinner in Bern. I'm trusting my guests will figure that out themselves. They will have to, as there is no wifi on the train today, and I've now entered the Baden-Wurttemberg Triangle, where mobile signals disappear, never to be heard from again. 18/n

Info on the app is getting more interesting by the hour. Is there some kind of DB bingo I can win by seeing enough different kinds of delay reasons in a single day? Other passengers seem ready to scream BINGO! and I'm worried I'm going to miss out 17/n

Another stop in the middle of nowhere, but at least with a pleasant view. And a helpful announcement for those who are blind/sleeping/utterly confused but with no desire for clarity: "Dear passengers, we have made an unplanned stop. We will let you know when can continue." 15/n

Glück im Unglück, it looks like I'll even catch the next connection to Bern, as that train is also more than 30 min late due to mayonnaise in the gyroscope. 14/n

Back in Köln, which is great, as it's always worth a second visit. 13/n

Morale is soaring now that someone has organized an air show of 3 Eurofighter Typhoons for us while we wait. Some legend in his 70s saunters up to my group standing in the cold and casually asks if this is the 1st class cabin. Laughter erupts. All we're missing now is cocktails. 12/n

Freedom! We're out of the train in Brühl. Morale is surprisingly high, and we're feeling like a proper team of adventurers. 11/n

Exciting plot twist in Brühl: Now we're told DB has arranged for us to go BACK to Köln on another train... but the doors won't open. Interestingly, this is the first time the journey status has been accurately updated in my DB app. 10/n

More creeping, this time from pumpkins to steel. Passengers are excited to have made it at least as far as the Industrial Revolution today 8/n

Train has now crept forward at a slow walking pace and stopped at the pumpkin farm, so maybe we start our new lives here. 7/n

Current location: pumpkin patch somewhere between Köln and Bonn. 5/n

A thread on my attempted journey from Düsseldorf to Bonn: aka, Deutsche Bahn's Infrastructure Emporium of Curiosities.

After starting 30 min late, the first sign of real trouble comes as we make an unexpected stop in a pumpkin patch in the middle of nowhere... for an hour. 1/n