Look who I met at the park today. Look at its nice claws. It’s my birthday so it felt like an auspicious sighting.

I’d like to get a nice job with the city naming ferries, but truly whoever’s doing it now doesn’t need any help.

My dear little companion, who was very good at the vet’s, has to eat a prescription diet. Everyone wish her a bon appetit as she tries her “urinary loaf in sauce.”

A mourning dove husband and wife (Lance and Lacey) built their nest in the yew branches against my bedroom window. They have one white egg, which I am in charge of while they’re out. I don’t know why, but the cat is leaving them totally alone even though that’s her main windowsill.

This does not apply to me

Purchased this product (Calm magnesium supplement) just so I can call it Clam pawder every time I use it. In fact I can guarantee my 100% compliance with a daily dose if it means I get to say Clam pawder.

Instead of the silly cock-honking ghoul beloved by children everywhere, Beetlejuice was going to just be a…short middle eastern pedophile. Sometimes interference from cowardly suits at the studio has its benefits I guess!

The cat’s name this week is Baby Grandma

Jeez Louise

The cat’s name this week is Marcia Cream

I will deface your child’s coloring books by finding every cat picture and coloring it in with Bernadette’s pattern. That’s my pledge to Bernadette.

I take back everything I’ve said about cruises being “norovirus jails” for people whose crime is they “can’t hack it on land.” I’ve got to get onto this boat with Elliott Gould where I’d be the youngest woman there.