it was a push and pull where i got nothing in return... a tick latched onto me slowly diseasing me. i did so much, i did too much. i loved her so dearly and i meant it too. the only love i got back was lust and desire. i needed a conversation, not ejaculation. i needed someone who truly cared.

i get verbally berated until i snap. i ended up breaking down multiple times... the only time she ever truly comforted me was during those moments... i sat there spouting everything wrong through tears and wails. i did end up getting told some words i wanted to hear, what i did right...

standing there as she bled through the deep cut through her thumb, trying to think of what to do. pressure mounting in my head like a balloon, i did the right thing. all she does is lay there in bed in a catatonic state. the next day i get yelled for my actions. what did i do wrong?

that trip was meant to be a way for me to escape everything bad around me for a moment. i took my mother to the hospital the week prior, she had sepsis, her kidneys were completely filled with stones; my dog had died due to his brain failing... all i got was verbal abuse... im so sorry...

why am i not allowed to cry? why am i not allowed to feel? why are my feelings so fucking sickening? something nobody can handle, nobody would want. i find myself being more guarded and i am still considered open. i find myself in a daze when certain words are said... are they a trick? i want a hug.

i have people i care for so deeply if something happened to them i would crumble i think... i think i lost all resolve from my last relationship. she really took everything out of me and gave it to herself. got angry when i had nothing left and kept abusing me over it... i only wanted comfort...

i dont say this as giving up but as a desire to actively change myself. i feel as if the relationship i was chained in killed me. i never realized how bad it was... or maybe i did and ignored it... i put up with so much to not be alone. i am horried at the thought. i feel tears now thinking on it...

i hate this ever lingering moodswing, i feel like a pendulum. i never had resolve when i was younger because all i did was evade. picking up the slack is insanely hard when there are miles of it. i should play the hand i was given and shut the fuck up, its not like i have a choice to begin with...

despite that i feel some natural excitement and the conversations we have also flow into something much more mature. i want to hug and see her grow into a healthier person, improving and going into a positive direction that makes her happy... im hoping that does happen... perhaps i care too much...