Julia Clement
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juliaclement.bsky.social
Julia Clement
@juliaclement.bsky.social
58 followers 68 following 950 posts
If you like my memes, feel free to share, either here or elsewhere. Just keep my credits.

To see more, follow me.

Auckland based comedian, playwright & comedy producer.
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juliaclement.bsky.social
I'm unable to #donate-blood as when one of my #medications is given in huge doses to #pregnant-rats it can cause birth-defects.

Personally I'd rather my #blood was given to humans, not rats.
Julia examines a rat. Text: I'm unable to donate blood as when one of my medications is given in huge doses to pregnant rats it can cause birth defects. Personally I'd rather my blood was given to humans, not rats.
December 4, 2025 at 6:59 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
#LSD's original name was #LSD-25.

Dr Albert Hofmann synthesized new forms until number 25 when flying purple giraffes blocked the lab's #portcullis.
Two purple giraffes on opposite sides of a portcullis. Text: LSD's original name was LSD-25. Dr Albert Hofmann synthesized new forms until number 25 when flying purple giraffes blocked the lab's portcullis.
December 3, 2025 at 8:08 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
#Santa's favourite oil
...
Jojojoba
A man in a Santa Costume wearing sunglasses holds up a bottle. Julia examines the bottle. Text: Santa's favourite oil -- Jojojoba
December 2, 2025 at 6:49 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
When I registered juliaclement(.)com, Godaddy suggested I should also register juliakind(.)com and juliamild(.)com.
A burning PC. An exasperated comedian throws her laptop and papers in the air. Text: When I registered juliaClement.com, Godaddy suggested I should also register juliaKind.com and juliaMild.com.
December 1, 2025 at 7:01 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Outdoor new material comedy 6:30 pm Thu 04/12 in Coyle Park, Point Chevalier, weather permitting.
Free, koha gladly accepted.
Event: park.comedyshow.nz/events/383/ .

@aucklandcomedy.bsky.social

#Comedy #OpenMicComedy #PtChev #PtChevComedy #PointChevComedy #PointChev
Julia stands with a microphone by the bus stop and looks towards our performing area. Behind her is Coyle Park. The words "One Mic Standup's Park Comedy Point Chev" are visible to the left.
December 1, 2025 at 6:39 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
When someone describes a first world problem, I like to reply "Dreadful, that's like something out of Dickens" shake my head & walk off ...

I would have made a great Disney villain.

#FirstWorldProblem #Dickens #DisneyVillain
Julia examines a photograph of Charles Dickens. Text: When someone describes a first world problem, I like to reply "Dreadful, that's like something out of Dickens" shake my head & walk off ... I would have made a great Disney villain.
November 30, 2025 at 7:04 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Why does #autocorrect "fix" everything except my real #typos?
An exasperated Julia stands in front of a burning computer. A second version of her has an anvil dropped on her head. Text: Why does autocorrect "fix" everything except my real typos?
November 29, 2025 at 8:30 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Best thing about being in a #coalition?

You can blame unpopular #policies on your partners.

Worst thing?

You get blamed for their bad policies.
The coalition of cruelty is in a burning dumpster. An unconcerned comedian sips her drink. Rubbish is on the ground. Text: Best thing about being in a coalition? You can blame unpopular policies on your partners. Worst thing? You get blamed for their bad policies.
November 28, 2025 at 1:54 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
#Tap #dancing lesson #1: Drink two pots of tea with no toilet breaks.
Three images of Julia. In two she is drinking tea, in the third she bathes in it. Text: Tap dancing lesson #1: Drink two pots of tea with no toilet breaks.
November 27, 2025 at 9:21 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Tonight's #dinner was bought to me by the letter C: Chilli, cucumber, courgette, cavocado and comato; into blender and eaten with Corn chips.
Julia stands beside a giant bowl containing something that looks like guacamole. There are giant corn chips. Text: Tonight's dinner was bought to me by the letter C: Chilli, cucumber, courgette, cavocado and comato; into blender and eaten with Corn chips.
November 26, 2025 at 6:53 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Free outdoor comedy 6:30 pm Thu 27/11 in Potter's Park, Mt Eden, weather permitting.
Free, koha gladly accepted.
Parental discretion is advised.
Event: park.comedyshow.nz/events/344/ .
#Comedy #OpenMicComedy #MountEden #MtEden #Balmoral
@aucklandcomedy.bsky.social
To the left, front to back. Julia with her hand over the mic looks at the audience, trees, the walking boy statue. To the right, a comedian is performing in the rotunda at sunset while others look on.
November 25, 2025 at 11:29 PM
juliaclement.bsky.social
I've just invented the #innuendoscope.

It has a small but powerful loudspeaker in the tip that tells #risque_jokes from inside your anus.
Julia stands beside a diagramme of a colonoscope with the captions changed to Bluetooth, speaker, rectum & innuendoscope. Text: I've just invented the innuendoscope. It has a small but powerful loudspeaker in the tip that tells risque jokes from inside your anus.
November 25, 2025 at 10:14 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
If I seem smart it's because I'm #copying over the shoulders of #geniuses.
Julia looks at Hypatia of Alexandria & Marie Curie. Below them are two modern scientists. Text: If I seem smart it's because I'm copying over the shoulders of geniuses.
November 23, 2025 at 11:33 PM
juliaclement.bsky.social
So let's get this straight.

Harriet Potter was forced to stay in the #closet by her transphobic uncle & aunt?
Julia stands by an open closet crying. Text: So let's get this straight. Harriet Potter was forced to stay in the closet by her transphobic uncle & aunt?
November 23, 2025 at 7:22 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Outdoor new material comedy 6:30 pm Mon 24/11 in Craigavon Park, Blockhouse & Green Bays.
Open mic: parental discretion is advised.
Event: park.comedyshow.nz/events/336/
@aucklandcomedy.bsky.social
#Comedy #StandupComedy #NewMaterial #BlockhouseBay #BlockhouseBayComedy #GreenBay #GreenBayComedy
Julia stands in a park with a mic and a PA loudspeaker on a stand. There is a caption: Free Comedy Blockhouse Bay, Green Bay border
November 22, 2025 at 6:30 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Q: Where is #decaf-coffee made?

A: Ground zero.
Julia looks over an old fashioned manual coffee mill. Text: Q: Where is decaf coffee made? A: Ground zero.
November 22, 2025 at 5:28 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
If you want a picture of the future, imagine #MickeyMouse 's shoe stamping on a human face — forever. (After George #Orwell, #1984)
Julia lies on the ground, Mickey Mouse's shoe is touching her head. Text: If you want a picture of the future, imagine Mickey Mouse's shoe stamping on a human face — forever. (After George Orwell, 1984)
November 21, 2025 at 9:49 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Sometimes I forget I'm #dead.

The woman who #inherited my PC is baffled whenever she notices I've been #posting on it.
Julia lies on the floor, dead, a ghost rises from her, a second picture of her throws her laptop and papers in the air in horror. Text: Sometimes I forget I'm dead. The woman who inherited my PC is baffled whenever she notices I've been posting on it.
November 20, 2025 at 9:58 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
#Rugby may be a game of two halves but #circles are a game of 2π.
A rugby player in Fitzroy Primary School playing strip with a yellow circle behind. Julia with mathematics & geometry symbols. Text: Rugby may be a game of two halves but circles are a game of 2π.
November 19, 2025 at 5:49 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
OK Julia, you're supposed to be a #comedian.

Think of #something-funny to say.
Julia at a mic in a stand, her arm looks almost like she's doing a mic drop. Text: OK Julia, you're supposed to be a comedian. Think of something funny to say.
November 18, 2025 at 7:03 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
No spoilers please, but #Hamlet does win in the end, doesn't he?

I mean #Shakespeare wouldn't be such an #amateur that the hero loses?
Julia in an Elizabethan ruff holds up a skull. Another comedian with a concerned looks is standing in front of theatre seats. Text: No spoilers please, but Hamlet does win in the end, doesn't he? I mean Shakespeare wouldn't be such an amateur that the hero loses?
November 17, 2025 at 8:37 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Life guard at the pool said my swimsuit was too revealing then asked if I was male or female.

I replied "Then it can't be that revealing."
Julia sits in an inflatable pool holding a drink. Text: Life guard at the pool said my swimsuit was too revealing then asked if I was male or female. I replied "Then it can't be that revealing."
November 16, 2025 at 6:49 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
I wrote a letter today and used the word "Mnemonic" four times.

Every single time I spelled it wrong, so I wrote this little #mnemonic to remember it "Many Nematodes Eat Mushy Organic Noodles In Cafes" which would be great if only I could remember how to spell nematoads.
Julia is eating a pasta or noodle meal. Several worms float above her. Text: I wrote a letter today and used the word "Mnemonic" four times. Every single time I spelled it wrong, so I wrote this little mnemonic to remember it "Many Nematodes Eat Mushy Organic Noodles In Cafes" which would be great if only I could remember how to spell nematoads.
November 15, 2025 at 3:52 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
My doctor told me I need a lighter #diet so I wrote The #Helium #Cookbook.
Julia is eating a bowl of ramen. Two other comedians are being lifted by balloons. Text: My doctor told me I need a lighter diet so I wrote The Helium Cookbook.
November 14, 2025 at 7:23 AM
juliaclement.bsky.social
Outdoor new material comedy 6:30 pm 17/11/25 in Te Pai Park, Henderson, weather permitting.
Free, koha gladly accepted.
Open mics can’t control the jokes told, parental discretion is advised.
Event: park.comedyshow.nz/events/332/ .
#Comedy #HendersonComedy #HendersonNZ
@aucklandcomedy.bsky.social
Tessa stands on the grass in Te Pai Park, behind her is a line of trees and then Lincoln Road. Text Free Comedy, Te Pai Park, Henderson. 630-8 PM Monday Nights
November 14, 2025 at 5:18 AM