im currently still just trying to cope with the heartbreak and trauma by 1) talking to some close friends and my siblings 2) playing Raft and the sims lol. i also bought Pacific Drive but havent tried it yet! a friend recommended it and it looks like i might enjoy it.

im hoping that getting out of a situation that was way more abusive than i realised (ive been doing bad but kept excusing her until now) will help me have more energy and motivation to work on my own goals, making games and art. regardless if i end up with her or not (if i do, with new boundaries.)

i started slowly doing better and now i feel fairly stable. at first i couldnt imagine living without her but now i somewhat can. i feel able to prioritise myself for the first time in like 15 years? and i got closer to some of my friends throughout this ordeal. ppl have been rly kind.

2 weeks ago she came clean about it and i wanted to die and went to hospital. she's been very mentally unwell and the whole thing seems like a manic behaviour. im still talking to her and she's finally properly apologised and seems to now have realised she has issues.... idk whats next.

i suspected her of cheating after she'd been acting weird for a while but she kept denying it, and also was shifting the blame on me for being paranoid or overthinking etc etc. (i was thinking just the right amount, actually.) and i hoped it wasnt the case, trusted her to be better than this.

but me personally, i gain nothing from this. i already dont see myself as worthless (but i know OTHERS see me this way, which i think is unfair and stupid, and i tell them so). i feel guilty as needed and apologise and work on myself. i communicate. i feel. and i think logically and clearly.

ppl who arent me 100% do need to learn how to unfreeze themselves in response to triggers, how to process bad feelings like feeling hurt or guilty or worthless or ashamed or scared. they do need to learn how to express feelings healthily and how to allow vulnerability and empathy in their heart.

me walking out on my therapists is not a sign that therapy is bad or you shouldnt get it or push your friend to get it. its simply a result of that therapy cant fix the victim of ongoing trauma and oppression coming at the victim from other sources. my situation needs change, not me.

after a few min she called me but i declined the call. she sent me a text asking to have a final meeting next week (which she was saying as i walked out, "we should see each other next week" and i said "im sure we should" and closed the door behind me). im not bothering. fuck you dumbass im tired

- i told her calmly but firmly why its not ok and that her reaction was inappropriate and unprofessional. she annoyedly made a "well! im sorry then i guess!" fake apology. SHES A THERAPIST. SHE GETS PAID TO DO THIS. i laughed at her, she says "youre laughing at me?", i walk out on her as she talks.

- instead of seeing me as a unique patient and actually listening, she projects stereotypes of typical patients on me and doesnt listen well. then she said something queerphobic again and im done. i told her off on it, she got defensive, i explained to her that she got defensive and that its not ok-

- bc it wasnt constant, and i did want to try get as much help as possible from working w the safe space. but today i had enough. i had already put up with her not listening and not able to actually reflect on my problems, she just tries to put me in a box of stereotypical problems i dont have -

on it boss, generating positive energy

yeah ive had to start be specific about why i use runes, it rly sucks when its my local culture n something important to me since i was born. reading runestones out in nature, msgs from ppl 1000 years ago that i can read directly where they stand. its beautiful n nazis cant be allowed to ruin it.

(im obvs very mad at nazis and other scared irrational weirdoes for appropriating runes and historical nordic culture for harmful purposes, and runes should be happily used by anyone who likes runes without thinking about those ppl!)

my little programming notebook. the actual irl colour is a deep autumny red (one of my fav colours), not orangey. i drew on it with a gold posca. the runes are just positive affirmations for myself. im from a province full of runestones, so its a cultural thing for me to keep our runes alive.

actual photo of me every single day of this life. i will fucking destroy the nonsense but its not fun and i dont want to have to. ppl should just fucking Think for a second and also Get Help and Do Better. thanks for coming to my ted talk, its back to stabbing entirely preventable problems for me.