Johnny Nice Painter ⬛🖌️
@johnnynicepainter.bsky.social
Black. Black. Black! Like the clouds of death that follow me into the Forest of Doom! And hide in the wardrobe of darkness! Black!
Once he's been prosecuted for all of his other crimes, could we perhaps find a tiny sliver of time for holding him to account for this fucking shirt and tie?
November 14, 2025 at 7:38 PM
Once he's been prosecuted for all of his other crimes, could we perhaps find a tiny sliver of time for holding him to account for this fucking shirt and tie?
You know when you see a celebrity in the headlines and you think, fuck me, I would have sworn up and down that they were fucking dead? Well that, except this:
November 14, 2025 at 7:21 PM
You know when you see a celebrity in the headlines and you think, fuck me, I would have sworn up and down that they were fucking dead? Well that, except this:
Next time someone cold-calls me and immediately barks "are you the homeowner" with no introduction I'm going to say:
NO, I AM ZUUL; THE GATEKEEPER. GOZER IS THE HOMEOWNER"
NO, I AM ZUUL; THE GATEKEEPER. GOZER IS THE HOMEOWNER"
November 14, 2025 at 9:16 AM
Next time someone cold-calls me and immediately barks "are you the homeowner" with no introduction I'm going to say:
NO, I AM ZUUL; THE GATEKEEPER. GOZER IS THE HOMEOWNER"
NO, I AM ZUUL; THE GATEKEEPER. GOZER IS THE HOMEOWNER"
My phrase is: "listen to me or I will fucking cut you"
What's yours?
What's yours?
November 14, 2025 at 9:01 AM
My phrase is: "listen to me or I will fucking cut you"
What's yours?
What's yours?
Everything is awful and I have had too much to drink. But thne I found this picture of my little dog. She left me this year but she used to look at me like this, and I'll always have that.
November 13, 2025 at 8:43 PM
Everything is awful and I have had too much to drink. But thne I found this picture of my little dog. She left me this year but she used to look at me like this, and I'll always have that.
Haven't watched TV for about 4 weeks now (apart from NFL matches which don't count because I don't think they're actually real). Been listening to Radio 3 Unwind instead. It's lovely. It's a bit like I imagine what it's like being dead.
November 12, 2025 at 9:08 PM
Haven't watched TV for about 4 weeks now (apart from NFL matches which don't count because I don't think they're actually real). Been listening to Radio 3 Unwind instead. It's lovely. It's a bit like I imagine what it's like being dead.
I think I'm OK then I look through the photos on my phone then I'm not OK. I'm OK though. I'm OK.
November 8, 2025 at 7:47 PM
I think I'm OK then I look through the photos on my phone then I'm not OK. I'm OK though. I'm OK.
It is so unspeakably sordid it make me shudder Rob
November 8, 2025 at 7:24 PM
It is so unspeakably sordid it make me shudder Rob
🎶(Where) where did you get that (blank) blank expression on your face?🎶
P.S. If you don't get that reference then you are dead to me.
P.P.S. Not really
P.S. If you don't get that reference then you are dead to me.
P.P.S. Not really
November 6, 2025 at 8:44 PM
🎶(Where) where did you get that (blank) blank expression on your face?🎶
P.S. If you don't get that reference then you are dead to me.
P.P.S. Not really
P.S. If you don't get that reference then you are dead to me.
P.P.S. Not really
Best dogs 🥹
November 6, 2025 at 8:12 PM
Best dogs 🥹
It is just too weird and sad and wrong not having dog(s) in our lives, so Mrs P and I, after long deliberation, cogitation and mastication have decide which breed we would like to adopt. That breed, dear reader, is a scruffy dog.
November 6, 2025 at 7:57 PM
It is just too weird and sad and wrong not having dog(s) in our lives, so Mrs P and I, after long deliberation, cogitation and mastication have decide which breed we would like to adopt. That breed, dear reader, is a scruffy dog.
Ooh. Might watch. I like a bit of Lucy Worsley OH FUCKING GROW UP
November 5, 2025 at 6:54 PM
Ooh. Might watch. I like a bit of Lucy Worsley OH FUCKING GROW UP
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGH! GIANT LADYBIRD ATTACK!!!
November 5, 2025 at 1:03 PM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGH! GIANT LADYBIRD ATTACK!!!
A Treecreeper I saw in the garden in 2017. Not a great photo. It gave me great pleasure to see it though, so I don't mind about that. Just a nice memory.
November 3, 2025 at 7:50 PM
A Treecreeper I saw in the garden in 2017. Not a great photo. It gave me great pleasure to see it though, so I don't mind about that. Just a nice memory.
Jesus. All the warmth and welcome of a mortuary slab.
October 31, 2025 at 7:41 PM
Jesus. All the warmth and welcome of a mortuary slab.
Right. Been away a while. What's going on then, let's see.....
October 31, 2025 at 7:37 PM
Right. Been away a while. What's going on then, let's see.....
Hits hard doesn't it. Literally seconds ago came across this. Lost her this year.
October 28, 2025 at 7:11 PM
Hits hard doesn't it. Literally seconds ago came across this. Lost her this year.
Since we lost our two dogs this year we're trying to convince our outdoor cat (who arrived in our greenhouse one day and refused to leave) into an indoor cat. Going OK so far. I've only lost one limb. She is fucking enormous.
October 27, 2025 at 7:22 PM
Since we lost our two dogs this year we're trying to convince our outdoor cat (who arrived in our greenhouse one day and refused to leave) into an indoor cat. Going OK so far. I've only lost one limb. She is fucking enormous.
Would have done a Photoshop with Trump on the front of this but I just don't have the heart. Could have used AI I suppose but FUCK THAT. Anyway, use your imagination like a proper fucking human being.
#WhiteHouseDown
#WhiteHouseDown
October 23, 2025 at 7:19 PM
Would have done a Photoshop with Trump on the front of this but I just don't have the heart. Could have used AI I suppose but FUCK THAT. Anyway, use your imagination like a proper fucking human being.
#WhiteHouseDown
#WhiteHouseDown
Tonight I are mostly be eatin'... This Isn't Chicken, mixed roast sweet and not sweet potatoes, and carrots from the garden¹, a 2019 Côtes du Rhône² with a side order of Crash Test Dummies.
¹ No photo. Not only have I et it, Mrs P has cleared my plate away
² A gift. We're not made of fucking money
¹ No photo. Not only have I et it, Mrs P has cleared my plate away
² A gift. We're not made of fucking money
October 23, 2025 at 6:51 PM
Tonight I are mostly be eatin'... This Isn't Chicken, mixed roast sweet and not sweet potatoes, and carrots from the garden¹, a 2019 Côtes du Rhône² with a side order of Crash Test Dummies.
¹ No photo. Not only have I et it, Mrs P has cleared my plate away
² A gift. We're not made of fucking money
¹ No photo. Not only have I et it, Mrs P has cleared my plate away
² A gift. We're not made of fucking money
Here... have a spork that I stole from a police officer. Do NOT ask me for details 😂
October 22, 2025 at 7:12 PM
Here... have a spork that I stole from a police officer. Do NOT ask me for details 😂
Tonight I are mostly be eatin' quiche with a tricolore salad*, a 2022 pinot noir, with an aural accompaniment of Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
* Sorry about photo but I'd et it.
* Sorry about photo but I'd et it.
October 22, 2025 at 6:30 PM
Tonight I are mostly be eatin' quiche with a tricolore salad*, a 2022 pinot noir, with an aural accompaniment of Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
* Sorry about photo but I'd et it.
* Sorry about photo but I'd et it.