Hey, Siri, why?

You’re god damn right if you think you’re not this cool.

Are there actually people that do not stir their yogurt?

I don’t want to say that my debit card was declined for a store brand pedialyte, but here we are.

Imagine being alive and knowing a parrot doesn’t like you. Taking an L from a bird must be next level.

I was the Lord’s most blessed. Denim Deity. Sultan of Sateen. Do you sense my power?

Presented without comment.

Please don’t talk to me while I’m using the urinal. In the hellscape of my existence, this is my only alone time.

Self care is so important.

Sometimes all you can do is just look at it.