whatever *fires a beam that sweeps across an area and makes a string of explosions a few seconds later*

i love my vampire who has gone through hell and was never given time to heal despite being a centuries old immortal being because healing is not linear.

Just throw it

My cat, thinking he just killed a mouse under the blanket

Me, with a bleeding thumb because I was just trying to scratch my leg

PIGEON MAN

Chicken seizure salad

I DONT WANT TO BE IN SALT LAKE ANYMORE PLEASE LET ME GO HOME!!

"You have to work well under pressure to survive in this line of work."

I think you mean that this organization fabricates urgencies through poor management, uneven distribution of duties, and an inflated sense of self for upper management.

was the worst I've ever been mentally when my group chats were on Skype? Yes. Am I still so sad about this? Yes.

Queen if you can't drive in the snow, maybe don't move to a place that says "greatest snow on earth" on the damn license plate

yyyyyeah maybe we shouldn’t just “relax”

Bard did it.

Parenting your own parents is crazy because they, the people who have been GROWN ADULTS the entire time I've been alive, want me to give them the grace they never had for me when I was a CHILD

It’s wild to have two cats and have one of them be just so much more dumb.

Y'all are gonna have to get okay with he/him lesbians real fast now that everyone is legally female

My family members wanted to be like "Trump is going to fix unemployment" "Trump is going to give people jobs"

THAT MF JUST TOOK MY JOB YOU DUMB SACK OF SHIT!