Grief is like air...it's there always, and also sometimes it's invisible.

But it shows up in a thousand ways.

I am trying to find gratitude for this, and not often succeeding. "In" this, yes. But not "for" this.

I am trying.

#grief

My Mom is resting, the fires got some rain. It has been a hard week, um...month.

The careless words of a friend have reverberated in my head when I settle to rest at all. But I have not rested for weeks.

The fires will go. I'll see Mom. I feel grateful. And, I guess, I feel awed.

Somehow "Elon Musk Is a Genius" and "Elon Musk Doesn't Know How Hands Work" are being said by a lot of the same people

Today I made hummingbird syrup and filled the feeder.
I wrote a full draft of a short story that I kinda like. I've never done this before, and I'm excited about it!
I took three walks, one on a beach.
I had great conversations, one of which was a complete stranger before our call.

I've always wanted to build things that last.
Today it felt right to make myself build something that is probably already gone.
So I went to the beach and made a sand castle.
It felt hard to add cool details to something so ephemeral, but I did it.

I feel stupid.
Usually not in a bad way.

Sometimes people hear "I feel stupid" as lack of self esteem, though.

So probably "stupid" is the wrong word.

How about: "I feel too aware that there's so much I will never know, will never understand, because time is short, always."

Words=hard

"Oooh, you can handle a LOT of pressure!," said Grace, my fabulous new massage therapist, tonight.

And I thought, "finally, someone noticed!"

But seriously, no. I can only handle massage pressure.

I lost "everything" at age 12. It took me decades to understand that it wasn't everything.
What I'd lost was only things, illusions, community, ideas, options, trust, and hope. Understanding came only in stages.
At 52, more trust and hope are in my go-bag.
I'm still here. I've made it this far.