Elected Snowflake triggered by public prayer. Maybe too emotional for public office?

I heard President Trump signed an executive order pardoning Sheev Palpatine and Tom Riddle, stating that they are great men, inspiring leaders, and fine Americans

I heard President Trump signed an executive order declaring that all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

I heard President Trump signed an executive order declaring that the Earth is flat and the center of the universe

Why is there a Bible book called numbers? What numb nuts thought that up?

Why are microwaves sold by advertising the interior volume and not wattage? It's not like I'm concerned because I only ever cook 1.0 square feet of food at a time. "Oop! Can't buy this one that's only 0.9 sqft! My food won't fit!"

4! + 0 + (0 * 7)

Sometimes, on my way to work, I'll see a man dancing his way down the hill to the music of Vivaldi playing loudly from a speaker in his backpack

Try to not let one cruel voice drown out a dozen kind ones.

we're a nation of idiots, ruled by the rich

but I guess a lot of places can say that

I’m not currently reading Agatha Christie by a crackling fireplace on a snowy day whilst indulging in multiple cups of tea and freshly-baked scones, so no, I’m afraid your email didn’t “find me well”.

((8!/7!)-7)4!

This headline suggests an amazing tale until you realize that Boring and Sandy are both places in Oregon.

I'm thankful for my family, by blood or by choice

At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix

Netflix’s true crime industry reveals most famously unsolved murders are really badly investigated murders. Make sure to do your murder in small community with few homicides so local police are overwhelmed. By the time FBI arrive it’s a goat rodeo of contamination, lost evidence & lawyers.

A Brief History of the War on Christmas

🧵