Black smoke means no new Pope. But give it time; eventually they will run out of candidates to incinerate.

Jesus Crust has risen. But as proof only. Tomorrow, 4/20, he gets baked.

Every time I engage in a thread on Twitter I find myself wishing I was a Bible so the far right conservatives would just ignore me.

Daytime is stupid. It’s so bright and full of responsibility.

Almost everywhere I ate in Istanbul I ended up with a random street cat finding my lap. Even in McDonald’s. A “Cat McCafe” if you will.

Now I’m back in the other falling empire 🇺🇸 and could really use some “lap cat therapy”.

And by “lap cat” I mean klonopins.

I’m back! As part of my ongoing midlife crisis celebration, I spent over a month abroad exploring the human condition. But now I am back with a renewed sense of hopelessness! 🎉

This lunch salad IS delicious but it would be so much better with a side of Smith Island Cake and a hot chocolate.

And also no salad.

Going to miss Twitter. It was such an important platform. Like back in 2011 when someone on WWE mentioned “anal bleeding” on air and it caused a short spike in Trends but then the entire confused world kept asking “why is anal bleeding trending?!” which got it trending all over for much of the day.

Do you think if Jesus was to actually return to earth, he’d get double-crossed?

JAMES REVIEWS THINGS

These hands:
👍👍

Tonight’s sunset:
⭐️

This quarter centennial:
2️⃣5️⃣/💯

The Olympics return next year! Does anyone remember which person won the Olympics last time? Think they will try to win it again?

Help! Identity Crisis! I’m not sure if I’m an American-style Minimalist or a Scandinavian-style Maximalist!

Because I am lazy I am just going to use this to repost the jokes I wrote on Twitter 12 years ago.

Finally a new network to feed my insatiable anxieties. Let the doom scrolling begin!