Jakey Emmert
@jakeyin612.bsky.social
Local comedian, man about town and chaotic mess
The man who fixed my car last week looked like someone familiar, couldn't figure it out. REALIZED HE LOOKS LIKE ROMAN REIGNS. So if you see me drive into a wall this week, just ignore it
April 20, 2025 at 5:19 AM
The man who fixed my car last week looked like someone familiar, couldn't figure it out. REALIZED HE LOOKS LIKE ROMAN REIGNS. So if you see me drive into a wall this week, just ignore it
Wearing a Katya shirt at the Drag Race finale bc I am geriatric and love the classics
April 19, 2025 at 1:10 AM
Wearing a Katya shirt at the Drag Race finale bc I am geriatric and love the classics
Ooh I start kickball tomorrow so I went to Play it Again Sports for the first time since Halloween 2012. I AM A MASCULINE ALPHA JOCK
April 12, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Ooh I start kickball tomorrow so I went to Play it Again Sports for the first time since Halloween 2012. I AM A MASCULINE ALPHA JOCK
One of my worst traits is taking forever to get ready but then once I am ready, EVERYONE WHO WAS RUSHING ME BETTER FUCKING BE READY
April 8, 2025 at 11:17 PM
One of my worst traits is taking forever to get ready but then once I am ready, EVERYONE WHO WAS RUSHING ME BETTER FUCKING BE READY
I "ran" a 5K today and felt successful and happy and the world can give you flowers and then you go on Instagram and they say "suggested for you" and it's a former close friend who completely cut you off and didn't even look at you last time you were in the same room together
April 7, 2025 at 12:49 AM
I "ran" a 5K today and felt successful and happy and the world can give you flowers and then you go on Instagram and they say "suggested for you" and it's a former close friend who completely cut you off and didn't even look at you last time you were in the same room together
I am "running" a 5K this morning and I think my jock is backwards and I already have to pee
April 6, 2025 at 12:35 PM
I am "running" a 5K this morning and I think my jock is backwards and I already have to pee
Aries season makes me want to actually work on GOAL SETTING or is it just hypomania? Ugh. I am doing a 5K next week when I'm at like 90% body fat. Prayers for Jacob.
March 29, 2025 at 8:27 PM
Aries season makes me want to actually work on GOAL SETTING or is it just hypomania? Ugh. I am doing a 5K next week when I'm at like 90% body fat. Prayers for Jacob.
Thought I was having a Mary Richards moment at the downtown Lund's and then realized my shirt kept popping open
March 28, 2025 at 3:03 AM
Thought I was having a Mary Richards moment at the downtown Lund's and then realized my shirt kept popping open
I can't believe I got called into work today on this national holiday which is Mariah Carey's anniversary
March 27, 2025 at 7:59 PM
I can't believe I got called into work today on this national holiday which is Mariah Carey's anniversary
I met Carolyn from traitors and she is 110% the person you saw on TV every week
March 20, 2025 at 5:00 PM
I met Carolyn from traitors and she is 110% the person you saw on TV every week
Reposted by Jakey Emmert
WELCOME ARIES SEASON! ACTION IS THE ANTIDOTE TO DESPAIR! GET MORE DONE IN A WEEK THAN MOST DO IN A YEAR! FASTER! LOUDER! THANK YOU, NEXT! IT’S ECLIPSE SEASON! EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND WORTH SAVING! ARMS EMBARGO NOW! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE! LIFE IS SHORT! BOYCOTT WITH YOUR BESTIES!
March 20, 2025 at 2:36 PM
WELCOME ARIES SEASON! ACTION IS THE ANTIDOTE TO DESPAIR! GET MORE DONE IN A WEEK THAN MOST DO IN A YEAR! FASTER! LOUDER! THANK YOU, NEXT! IT’S ECLIPSE SEASON! EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND WORTH SAVING! ARMS EMBARGO NOW! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE! LIFE IS SHORT! BOYCOTT WITH YOUR BESTIES!
I am almost 40 and my mother controls every facet of my life but when I brought this up on Thursday she compared me to her 3-year-old nephew! Will Jakey smile through gritted teeth and get his totaled car replaced after a month of passive-aggressive Olympics on both sides? Tune in!!!
March 10, 2025 at 11:45 AM
I am almost 40 and my mother controls every facet of my life but when I brought this up on Thursday she compared me to her 3-year-old nephew! Will Jakey smile through gritted teeth and get his totaled car replaced after a month of passive-aggressive Olympics on both sides? Tune in!!!
I've spent the last 12 hours coughing and I STILL don't have a six pack, this is rude
March 9, 2025 at 4:58 PM
I've spent the last 12 hours coughing and I STILL don't have a six pack, this is rude
Reposted by Jakey Emmert
“Fully unwinding the department would require a filibuster-proof, 60-vote majority in the Senate, legal experts have said…The draft order doesn’t mention Congress.”
www.wsj.com/politics/pol...
www.wsj.com/politics/pol...
Exclusive | Draft of Trump Executive Order Aims to Eliminate Education Department
Secretary Linda McMahon would be directed to “take all necessary steps to facilitate the closure” based on “the maximum extent appropriate and permitted by law.”
www.wsj.com
March 6, 2025 at 2:56 AM
“Fully unwinding the department would require a filibuster-proof, 60-vote majority in the Senate, legal experts have said…The draft order doesn’t mention Congress.”
www.wsj.com/politics/pol...
www.wsj.com/politics/pol...
The stress NEVER ends, I feel way too far away from where I thought I would be at this point
March 6, 2025 at 9:10 AM
The stress NEVER ends, I feel way too far away from where I thought I would be at this point
Reposted by Jakey Emmert
when your parents are being embarrassing in public and you have no option but to disassociate
February 28, 2025 at 10:17 PM
when your parents are being embarrassing in public and you have no option but to disassociate
Reposted by Jakey Emmert
This scrum of pot-bellied, sunken-chested betas trying to bully an all-black clad badass Eastern European wasteland survivor while dressed like Men’s Wearhouse mannequins is peak cinema.
GLENN: Why don't you wear a suit? You're at the highest level in this country's office & you refuse to wear a suit. A lot of Americans have problems with you not respecting the office.
ZELENSKYY: I will wear a costume after this war will finish. Maybe something like yours. Maybe something better.
ZELENSKYY: I will wear a costume after this war will finish. Maybe something like yours. Maybe something better.
February 28, 2025 at 7:22 PM
This scrum of pot-bellied, sunken-chested betas trying to bully an all-black clad badass Eastern European wasteland survivor while dressed like Men’s Wearhouse mannequins is peak cinema.
I am so stressed out! I need an Ativan and the warm embrace of a man with large pectoral muscles. OR A KITTYCAT!
March 1, 2025 at 2:20 AM
I am so stressed out! I need an Ativan and the warm embrace of a man with large pectoral muscles. OR A KITTYCAT!
Officially signed up for gay kickball even though I have the athletic skills of a Victorian child
February 22, 2025 at 2:26 AM
Officially signed up for gay kickball even though I have the athletic skills of a Victorian child
I replaced my debit card for the 800th time which means I will find the original in the next five minutes
February 20, 2025 at 3:18 PM
I replaced my debit card for the 800th time which means I will find the original in the next five minutes
Reposted by Jakey Emmert
WELCOME PISCES SEASON! DREAMSCAPES! FLOW STATES! DERAILING EVERY CONVERSATION AS A LOVE LANGUAGE! TMI AS AN EXTREME SPORT! WHAT IS TIME! TFW EVERYTHING! GHOSTING IF THE VIBES ARE OFF! LIFE IS SHORT AND RIDICULOUS! ECLIPSES ARE NIGH! COUP THE COUP! CALL YOUR REPS! BOYCOTTS! GENERAL STRIKES! HAVE FUN!
February 19, 2025 at 4:27 PM
WELCOME PISCES SEASON! DREAMSCAPES! FLOW STATES! DERAILING EVERY CONVERSATION AS A LOVE LANGUAGE! TMI AS AN EXTREME SPORT! WHAT IS TIME! TFW EVERYTHING! GHOSTING IF THE VIBES ARE OFF! LIFE IS SHORT AND RIDICULOUS! ECLIPSES ARE NIGH! COUP THE COUP! CALL YOUR REPS! BOYCOTTS! GENERAL STRIKES! HAVE FUN!
Another Friday night, another evening in which I have an existential crisis regarding my sexual attraction to Sam Star on RuPaul's Drag Race
February 15, 2025 at 1:10 AM
Another Friday night, another evening in which I have an existential crisis regarding my sexual attraction to Sam Star on RuPaul's Drag Race
Did my January photo dump and good grief, you can tell I was eating and drinking like a pirate and my hair stylist is dead
February 8, 2025 at 12:15 AM
Did my January photo dump and good grief, you can tell I was eating and drinking like a pirate and my hair stylist is dead
I'm so bored and depressed I just don't want to do a fucking thing anymore
February 6, 2025 at 2:12 AM
I'm so bored and depressed I just don't want to do a fucking thing anymore
I am such a Kinsey 5 for Sabrina Carpenter
February 3, 2025 at 1:29 AM
I am such a Kinsey 5 for Sabrina Carpenter