jack-schwab.bsky.social
@jack-schwab.bsky.social
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The Onion, 23 years ago.

theonion.com/no-blood-for...
December 17, 2025 at 10:00 PM
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America, you've spoken loud and clear: you do not like being stabbed in the dick with an ice pick. But what if stabbing yourself in the dick with an ice pick is the only way to fight, idk, climate change or whatever?
December 16, 2025 at 2:36 AM
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If you were wondering what the “wonderful secret” Trump and Epstein shared was, these new emails appear to make it perfectly clear.
November 12, 2025 at 4:30 PM
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SCOOP: several days ago Zohran Mamdani was overheard saying he "needs" to eat dinner. An inside source confirmed he had eaten breakfast and lunch that day, giving him an estimated 2+ weeks without additional calories before he might have died from starvation
October 28, 2025 at 11:03 PM
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These two psychos have access to all your personal data, by the way.
June 5, 2025 at 10:23 PM
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the democrats could easily out-message the republicans on trans rights, but they do not want to. they know what works and what doesn't and they will keep doing what doesn't work on purpose
May 30, 2025 at 6:54 AM
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HASSAN: What is habeas corpus?

NOEM: Habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country

HASSAN: That's incorrect
May 20, 2025 at 2:16 PM
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If you ever figure out who is in a position to actually do something about all this stuff that should "never have" happened, do let us know. Perhaps someone in the Senate?
Mayor Ras Baraka has been released, but he should never have been arrested by Trump to begin with.
May 10, 2025 at 4:32 AM
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Eight year old: Who is the pope?

Me: Begins to explain…

Eight year old, interrupting: “It turns out I don’t care about that.”
April 26, 2025 at 3:59 PM
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i hope it’s clear that big tech is not an ally. it only was as much as it was profitable. textboon rainbow capitalism, and now when they saw the writing on the wall, they flopped back into fascisms arms
Google Calendar has removed key cultural events from their site including:

• Pride Month
• Black History Month
• Holocaust Remembrance Day
• Jewish Heritage
• Hispanic Heritage
• Indigenous People Month
February 11, 2025 at 6:46 AM
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MAGA: No, Biden can't wipe away student loans. That's hella illegal unless Congress acts.

Also MAGA: If Trump declares an entire federal agency "lunatics" he can do away with it and all the funding it distributes without bothering to inform Congress, let alone requiring any action.
REPORTER: Will it take an act of Congress to do away with USAID?

TRUMP: I don't think so. Not when it comes to fraud. If there's fraud. Those people are lunatics.
February 3, 2025 at 7:40 PM
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pretty incredible to publish this official executive order days before the largest deadly air crash in nearly 20 years occurs
January 30, 2025 at 8:13 PM
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‘I couldn’t look away!’ The rapid, runaway rise of ridiculous Christmas romcoms
‘I couldn’t look away!’ The rapid, runaway rise of ridiculous Christmas romcoms
It’s that season again, when the streamers bring us hot snowmen and heroes who still believe in Santa. Why are they competing to make the most ludicrous movie possible – and why do we keep watching them? I could summarise the plot of Hot Frosty – the…
dlvr.it
November 21, 2024 at 5:14 AM