and all of this sucks. because at the end of the day, i love that old man. he’s my friend to this day, and i care about him a lot. i’ve never imagined him as someone who could cause harm to me. But he did, and i hate that im so upset with him, and it just sucks that his harm cost the love of my life

and i don’t think im rewriting history. i remember being a college student and being so stressed hearing the stories my friend would tell me about my boyfriend, and trying to be polite and respectful by listening and sympathizing anyways. I was people pleasing for an old man, just like in my teens

and i’m realizing, if the old man, despite his good intentions, didn’t overstep his boundaries and gossip about our partner, i wouldn’t have been so confused about what my place in my relationship with my boyfriend was. and then maybe i wouldn’t have pushed him away and lost him :( my heart’s broken

I spent months, and now have spent years, second guessing my memory of someone i cared so deeply about. Because i have these fun, tender, and wild memories of him that are based on my experience… and then i had this image of him that was cold, cruel even. But he never was cold or cruel to me.

In no way am i excusing how i treated him based on those fears, but for the first time, I’m recognizing that i had a distorted view of my boyfriend due to having someone whispering distressing stories in my ear as my boyfriend and I were going through a milestone in our relationship.

i remember in the moment, being just as confused as everyone around me why my view of my partner was shifting so suddenly. I’m sure it seems like i woke up one day and decided i hated him. But now i know that it is a lot more complicated than that.

my view of my boyfriend changed from one rooted in love to one rooted in fear that he would do those things to me. And it began to shape how I treated and spoke to him. And fuck do i regret how i treated and spoke to him

My friend had insecurities with his relationship with my boyfriend, and he turned to me to vent and seek advice about them. for months he began oversharing these incredibly distressful stories about my boyfriend. And unfortunately, those stories began to shape my insecurities

it’s so distressing and complicated, because unlike when i was young, the old man overstepping boundaries wasn’t doing it intentionally, or maliciously. and instead of being the old man being a stranger from grindr, it was someone i deeply cared about and loved my partner with

it’s something i’ve come to terms with, but when i look back, i thought it ended in college. but im realizing that the pattern continued one more time, and it took something from me that was so much more meaningful than my high school experience ever could’ve been. it cost me the love of my life

i don’t have memories of high school, not many at least. So in a lot of ways, it’s like: Me letting those men violate my boundaries cost me my high school experience. I got wrapped up with the needs of these old men, and it isolated me from the things i cared about

Mario Kart 8 is not a switch game 🤩🤩🤩

now the Irish side’s letting me cool off… thank god i have those genes too. My dramatics definitely come from my italian family 😂

I think i remember her saying North Korea is American propaganda? which just like….

I thought that chick was getting paid by the alt right to make her content 😭

the way i’m so serious. was like I flipped a switch and suddenly realized that I deserve to be wowed. literally have no desire for casual hookups anymore, deleted every app. I want something good and it’ll find me