I'm just so sad because I've tried chasing my dream, but it didn't work. I'm not good enough for art. I pivoted and chose a "real person" career. I'm VERY educated I'm VERY hardworking. But it still hasn't worked. I don't understand. Why can't I be dreamless 9-5 automaton too? I just want freedom.

I have resumes of the true me, too. Those don't work either. I don't know who to be. What the fuck do people want?? Who do I be? Won't someone please tell me????

I can't get respect I can't get a job I feel like such a fucking joke.

And all of that self-sacrifice got me nowhere because I have two parents who both refuse to say they're sorry and have shown nearly zero character growth in 32 years. I still have to carry the weight of three people and I'm exhausted.

I've grown for 3 people and I can't get a job lmfao.

No wonder I was so fucking lost and awkward as an adult. I never got to be a kid. No wonder I had so much contempt for my sister. She got to play and be loud and be bad and make mistakes. She always ruined my plans to keep the peace and made me so anxious because she wasn't also playing dead.

Later that evening I did the best a 3 or 4 year old could do to emotionally placate them both and ease the tension in the house. I've done that my whole life. Be the clown. Be silent and absent as a ghost. Be the therapist to both parents. Be anything they needed to make them happy and the house ok.

One of my earliest memories is hiding under my parents' bed and hearing them fight in the kitchen. I think I was 3 or 4. I heard my mom cry out in tone that was a mix of seething anger and shock against my dad's desperate pleas, "You HURT me!!" I imagined he squeezed her wrist(s) too tightly.

My younger sister *was* my mom's first baby. Not me. I've thought earlier in my life that I was a parentified child but now it has truly sunk in. The sound of realization echoing against the lowest level of my soul is so cold. And loud.

Thanksgiving was yesterday so my sister came over. And during a conversation where mom said "baby", meant for my step-dad, my sister piped up adamantly and claimed ownership for the pet name. "*I* was your first baby!" she asserted, ignoring how I'm the older sister. But she's right.

Cue dramatic petulant eye roll and hands on hips. "Fine. I suck. And I do eEEEVerYTHING wrong." And immediately she turns on her heel and flies out my door and slams it again.

I'm so tired at only 32 years old.

And ultimately the point of all of this, I extend to her my sympathy and say I'm sorry her biopsy was difficult, that I wish she wasn't in pain and hope she isn't in fear of anything. But asked if we could BOTH put this to bed by BOTH agreeing to treat each other kindly going forward!!

No.

And that furthermore she can do whatever she wants because she feels bad, her boob biopsy today hurt, insert withering look that demands sympathy and retraction of deserved criticism here.

I say I also feel bad (I do) but I don't take it out on others bc why would I do that?

I explained that what I did was rude but I wanted to make a point, that she should talk to me more kindly and not just walk off or slam doors in people's faces. She argued she didn't talk to me rudely ~in her opinion~ and didn't do the later two. Okay..

and instead of coming back to clarify when I heard her squawking "what" "WHAT"'s, I steeled myself and continued down the hall to my room and shut my door. The sound of her steps came in hot and on cue, and she demanded to know what I said.

Instead I asked, "You didn't like that, did you?"

Really proud of you all here, I've been lurking and seeing your accomplishments. I feel a sincere warmth and happiness in my heart when you succeed or when you're simply just keeping on another day. Love it. Carry on, I'm rooting for you guys even though I don't show up here much at all.

That's awesome, I'm glad for you! I also made AMVs in middle school haha, I'm glad those skills came in handy later in life.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope to use my animation degree someday even tho I pivoted to another industry, so I like to hear how others made their dream happen.

Basically I want them to read more as their personalities and character arcs and less like "red witch, blue witch, boy witch" as I drew them for my summer Pixar portfolio that wasn't even given the courtesy of a rejection email until I demanded it annoyingly from their HR lol.

I don't think I'm clever enough to write an on-going webcomic with them but I at least want to make their designs better and really figure out their individual and world's story so that I could hypothetically hand them off to people better suited for those things. Collab, whatever.