Simon
@imusingyourwifi.bsky.social
i nicknamed my legs "these" and "colors"
April 24, 2025 at 9:13 AM
i nicknamed my legs "these" and "colors"
march came in like a lion and went out like a fucking decade later
April 2, 2025 at 2:00 AM
march came in like a lion and went out like a fucking decade later
this is like if the chicago white sox replaced all of their players with lizards and scarecrows and instead of a starting pitcher, they had a first-year med student performing open-heart surgery on the mound with no anesthetic and half their fans being like "well, at least they're trying something!"
March 27, 2025 at 11:54 PM
this is like if the chicago white sox replaced all of their players with lizards and scarecrows and instead of a starting pitcher, they had a first-year med student performing open-heart surgery on the mound with no anesthetic and half their fans being like "well, at least they're trying something!"
ya know how there’s a movie none of us saw called “salmon fishing in the yemen”? and ya know how you can say that title in the exact same cadence as drew barrymore in ET when she says “alligators in the sewers”? well, now you know all of that
March 20, 2025 at 10:34 PM
ya know how there’s a movie none of us saw called “salmon fishing in the yemen”? and ya know how you can say that title in the exact same cadence as drew barrymore in ET when she says “alligators in the sewers”? well, now you know all of that
[standing at glory hole]
me: yeah, take it. how do you like that, huh?
her: *pushing back my screenplay*
me: yeah, take it. how do you like that, huh?
her: *pushing back my screenplay*
March 18, 2025 at 2:16 PM
[standing at glory hole]
me: yeah, take it. how do you like that, huh?
her: *pushing back my screenplay*
me: yeah, take it. how do you like that, huh?
her: *pushing back my screenplay*
i spent $4,000 on girl scout cookies because they are the same price as last year so eating them is actually making money against inflation. good luck with your 401Ks, bozos.
March 12, 2025 at 11:34 AM
i spent $4,000 on girl scout cookies because they are the same price as last year so eating them is actually making money against inflation. good luck with your 401Ks, bozos.
i had a dream where guy fieri ran into my bedroom and yelled "you can't spell nachos without 'chaos'!!" and just left
March 5, 2025 at 12:41 AM
i had a dream where guy fieri ran into my bedroom and yelled "you can't spell nachos without 'chaos'!!" and just left
australian rappers are like "and if ya djuoin't knjyoier, nyoiw ya knjyoier"
February 22, 2025 at 11:52 PM
australian rappers are like "and if ya djuoin't knjyoier, nyoiw ya knjyoier"
i know they're getting rid of departments left and right, but the government should hire a few people in each state to drive around areas with high elderly populations and post flyers that say "the government will never ask you to pay them in gift cards"
February 18, 2025 at 9:50 PM
i know they're getting rid of departments left and right, but the government should hire a few people in each state to drive around areas with high elderly populations and post flyers that say "the government will never ask you to pay them in gift cards"
so sorry to keep you waiting. i got held up really not wanting to be here.
February 18, 2025 at 3:33 PM
so sorry to keep you waiting. i got held up really not wanting to be here.
host: anyone for coffee
me: sure
host: how do you take it
me: in… in my esophagus?
me: sure
host: how do you take it
me: in… in my esophagus?
February 13, 2025 at 1:36 AM
host: anyone for coffee
me: sure
host: how do you take it
me: in… in my esophagus?
me: sure
host: how do you take it
me: in… in my esophagus?
therapist: i want you to take a deep breath
giraffe: ok
therapist: [35 minutes later] good
giraffe: ok
therapist: [35 minutes later] good
February 12, 2025 at 12:54 PM
therapist: i want you to take a deep breath
giraffe: ok
therapist: [35 minutes later] good
giraffe: ok
therapist: [35 minutes later] good
i’ve never purchased a rug. i’ve never looked at my floor and been like “know what that floor needs? more floor”
February 11, 2025 at 12:43 AM
i’ve never purchased a rug. i’ve never looked at my floor and been like “know what that floor needs? more floor”
i closed my eyes for a brief 13 months and this place blew up, huh?
February 10, 2025 at 11:31 PM
i closed my eyes for a brief 13 months and this place blew up, huh?
gonna tell my kids this was nirvana
December 28, 2023 at 12:49 PM
gonna tell my kids this was nirvana
it's pretty amazing how, as a species, we all just collectively decided within the last decade that "let's go!!!!" was going to replace "that's what i'm talking about!!!" without even a single group meeting about it
December 25, 2023 at 2:02 PM
it's pretty amazing how, as a species, we all just collectively decided within the last decade that "let's go!!!!" was going to replace "that's what i'm talking about!!!" without even a single group meeting about it
“this would fix me” and it’s just the t-shirt hoodie combo i’m wearing in a photo from 7 years ago
October 29, 2023 at 3:31 AM
“this would fix me” and it’s just the t-shirt hoodie combo i’m wearing in a photo from 7 years ago
remember when the world was like “hey, wanna know something neat? your blood is really blue inside your body and red when it’s outside your body!” and then the world was like “yooo JK you ain’t got no magic blood, you basic bitch”
October 26, 2023 at 2:13 PM
remember when the world was like “hey, wanna know something neat? your blood is really blue inside your body and red when it’s outside your body!” and then the world was like “yooo JK you ain’t got no magic blood, you basic bitch”
i appreciate the timeline reminders to unclench my jaw but then i sit there with an “ok well i don’t know how my face is supposed to be” jaw instead for the next 15-20 seconds and i think it’s better to just keep clenching
October 24, 2023 at 7:29 AM
i appreciate the timeline reminders to unclench my jaw but then i sit there with an “ok well i don’t know how my face is supposed to be” jaw instead for the next 15-20 seconds and i think it’s better to just keep clenching
it's stupid that the word 'onomatopoeia' isn't even close to being an onomatopoeia. the word for an onomatopoeia should be like 'howzitsownd' or 'maykadanoyz'
October 10, 2023 at 3:03 AM
it's stupid that the word 'onomatopoeia' isn't even close to being an onomatopoeia. the word for an onomatopoeia should be like 'howzitsownd' or 'maykadanoyz'
wanna feel old? these are the guys from workaholics
October 6, 2023 at 10:27 AM
wanna feel old? these are the guys from workaholics
Reposted by Simon
"aliens eat pussy"
October 1, 2023 at 11:00 PM
"aliens eat pussy"