Force people to care or do anything about my feelings. It feels scummy to when i know ots stemming frpm an unhealthy mental illness

Now I don’t know anyone in my life that does it now vut being in the helm of being the one that wants to do it abd realizing its just me being irrational os wild. And i feel deeply that confronting people and forcing them to care would be kind of like..manipulative. I cant

Ive had friends who arent as introspectful and mindful of their mental illnessess (that sounds so smarmy i hate it) and when they weaponize their perceived wrongness like i want to they tired me out and that shit sucked. bad

It jeopardizes the state of the friendship. like, 90% of the time im mad at someone i just keep it to myself because the chances are its menial bpd shit. I realize that if i told my friends everytime i felt wronged or hurt i wouldnt have any friends because nobody likes walking on eggshells 24/7

It’s not even that people don’t care. It’s that feeling like people don’t want to talk to me is starting to bother me so I’m just going to close it so that I don’t overthink it. Like what is the point in me being mad at people that seldom give me the time of day

like litteraly who gaf. I think I’m just gonna close discord ànd rawdog the silence

Ànd what sucks is that everyone in my life can make time, I’m just not really valued enough to be considered. I’m tired. Everyday is gentle little reminders that everyone is driven away when I’m around them ànd when I learn cool stuff or want to ramble about things nobody cares what I have to say

I guess I’m not worth carving time or effort which sucks. I’m learning lately that nobody has time for me ànd I’m just around when everyone exhausts their options. It’s heartbreaking really.

Ing a little bitter inside me because of it. I always make time for my friends and I have understanding and care for them but I feel disappointed when I look up and realize there’s nobody to talk to about how I feel. Or the things I’m keeping up with on a Dy to day basis

that i dont want to exist. it keeps rearing its head that everyone keeps me at a distance. i am fighting so so hard to stay alive. but i am tired. i am so tired of keeping myself going. i dont have support systems.

i feel so wholly unvalued that it is breaking me down every single day.

sometimes i feel like at any moment it'll be my time. i'll get up and quietly and solemnly dance in a beautiful display seen by nobody and scatter into the wind. living as i died; barely noticed and quietly.

this month is going to be an actual challenge because it keeps crossing my mind

I don’t know man. I wish I could put all this enthusiasm ànd willingness to be someone’s friend into someone that genuinely wanted to be my friend and not someone that probably doesn’t even like me. It’s so like. whatever but it’s been chewing at me since yesterday I can’t stand this shit

It’s especially shittty because like, if you were genuinely a friend to me I probably would give you the things you asked for. You’re not even looking the fact that I can barely make ends meet with my resources you just wana take ànd take and take ànd not even talk to me after the fact!!!!!

Like Ive given up really even trying for tbe most part but holy shit. I’m so glad xilas is moving back because the fact that person is the only local person I know kind of makes me reallllly sad. I deserve friends that don’t want to use me

and a good friend and eventually just. talk. to me. and they’ll want to be friends as much as I want to be friends. but they haven’t. And they probably won’t. And I don’t have the self respect to kick them to the curb because I naively believe in the good of people. And it’s kind of sad really