This is so wrong.
*Funny*, but wrong.
And if you don't get this, I'm not sure that we can be friends.

From the "You can't make this stuff up" file.

AssProf email: This box quit working. It won't charge my laptop or display anything on the monitors. Can you order a new one ASAP?
Me: No, the power cord just isn't plugged in. I can see it is about to fall off the back of your desk.

It's annual performance evaluation time again, and
the Dean & Ass Dean say that we have to list our goals for the next year. So, this year mine will be:
1. Don't get fired
2. Win the lottery
3. Quit

He-who-shall-not-be-named broke X/Twitter:

Endowed Prof: My research lab moved and now the computers won't turn on. Can you fix them?
Me 5 seconds in the lab: Well, you plugged all of the power cables into a surge protector, but didn't plug the surge protector into the electrical outlet.
EP:

AdminAss: My USB receiver for my mouse is broken. Will you buy a new one?
Me: How did the receiver that never gets unplugged or moved get broken?
AA: I assume that's it. The mouse stopped working.
Me: Uh, did you try replacing the batteries?
AA: The mouse has batteries?!
Me:

Helping a Prof with classroom equipment issue. Student walks in wearing pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and she's carrying a blanket and pillow.
I look at Prof w/o saying anything.
Prof:

Email from Ass_Dean:
We've hired a Learning and Development Manager to make everyone's LMS sites look uniform. All faculty should give this person "teacher" permissions in all of their class sites ASAP. Everyone's OK with doing that, right?
All faculty:

Our annual compliance training season will kick off soon: IT security (phishing), Title VI, Title IX, FERPA, etc. Sadly, they've used the same tired videos for at least the last 6-7 years.

Week 5 of the semester. Ass Prof is wandering down the hall looking in all of the classrooms.
Me: Are you looking for someone?
AP: No. I can't remember what classroom I'm teaching in today.
I think we've hit *that* point of the semester already.