I hope you understand mom. I'm still in my youth, but I know you're trying to look out for me.

Thanks for reading, friends.

Please know that I'm trying to figure things out, I'm 19, I'm stubborn sometimes, I want to try more, but I'm still trying.
I took that lady's advice to continue pushing to create because it's true, but it's also hard to just crank ideas. I'm still getting that balance, but I'll be fine.

If she is reading this, mom, I'm sorry that I hid myself for way too long. Same with my music. I just want to be able to create the path for myself, because for too long I have had other people try to make the trajectory for me.
And it's hard to express that.
When I constantly get pushed down.

Thing I will say at the end is my mom said to take steps, which I have been. I know she wants what's best for me, and I hope the views she tried to say will leave her as I continue to mentally grow myself. I am trying, it's not easy obviously duh, but I know that she'll help me.

While I hid, I bought a dress, I made a new name, I started taking a path to healing, I talked to people, and I'm still trying. There is a bunch of steps I still need to complete, but that takes time. Hoping to go back into therapy but again, everything is steps.

that with my father's mental manipulation, I wasn't able to express most of anything I wanted. I didn't have a choice most of the time. My father isn't sorry still, we don't want to talk to each other, and tried to make me based on how he dealt with his childhood. I will not bow down to that.

Fourth thing/continuation:
"You didn't show any signs you were trans."
I didn't need to, I didn't want to, because I was scared. My dad emotionally manipulated me through my teen years that I couldn't even express how I feel most of the time. I now have trouble making decisions because, I believe,

Third thing:
"You may just want to be trans because you *like* trans people."
My sexuality is still an unknown, duh, I'm 19. But I am for certain positive that I want my body and things to be different, I've put myself in a shell of protection around people because of the shit I've dealt with.

-myself more than anything. I know there was a time that I thought "what if I was a girl", but didn't think it was possible. So yeah.

-very well. But yeah. It's dumb how much this idea is rooted into the ground so much and how stupid it is. How would I know as an autistic person who barely had a conscience and awareness until like, teen years? Stupid. There have been some flashbacks in my life that actually helped me realize-

Second thing that pissed me off:
"You're supposed to know you're trans your entire life."
This statement is bogus, but it comes from many coming out stories which kinda sometimes say bullshit for a news story.
I like to think about Abigail Thorn's coming out story, because she talks about her story-

She didn't believe me because "people don't read the whole study".
At the time I cited MIT because I forgot exactly where that study came from, but it was from NIH, aka the government. Memory citation is not my strongest suit and I was in an emotional state with her berating me on that. Which sucks.

First thing that pissed me off:
"You will regret getting hormones."
Evidence was using her trans friends as examples, which is a bit stupid because that's a very minority example.
When trying to provide evidence, I cited the study the 1% of people regret transitioning based on a study thing.

Idk why I keep venting here lol

I think I just need a break from the internet for a bit

I still try my best

Can we please have private accounts already, please

WHRIWEOREIWFIREFJDSOFJDISGJER ????