but maybe this is all i get right now
maybe saying this all out loud is just a massive stupid guilt trip
...... idk man........

i know you're sick but please..... please.......i won't be able to be there for you if you aren't there for me

you can choose for things to be different

it doesn't have to be like this

maybe you're doing all you can, just showing me that you're alive and distracted from how sick you are
maybe you could do more...
.....maybe you could get treatment for your sickness instead of crashing out every few months

we're both depressed, we're both sick, we're both lonely, and i deal with it by seeking connection+attempting to figure shit out while you deal with it by seeking distance+distraction
is my nosiness selfish?
is your shell selfish?
is saying any of that selfish? am i the selfish one or is it you...

does being depressed and dead to the world mean that you're too sick to bother with the ways I'm sick and needing care?

i sacrifice without thinking, i contort myself around as he needs and wants and is convenient for him, i don't... 1/2

the fact i feel safe enough to get pissed at him AND feel like i can talk it out right away without awkwardly dancing around things? or pretending like it didn't happen? it's so fucking nice

i love him though

"pfft you don't want engage with my question"
???????? TF YOU MEAN I NEVER ANSWERED IT DIFFERENTLY YOU WEREN'T "ENGAGING" WITH MY FUCKING ANSWER

"but you're not answering the question"
except I'm answering it by saying that yes one group has one set of advantages and another group has another set of advantages and is it helpful to say that they have different sets of advantages yes!!!! that's why i said that from the goddamn beginning!!!!!!!

"okay but who has more"
they have different advantages??? you can't compare them???

but he gets me in ways that few people even come close to. his actions reveal his true beliefs far more than his words..... and at the heart of it all he's good to me
not perfect, but i don't want perfect. i don't trust perfect. i want someone who's willing to learn and grow y'know?

no follow up, no curiosity to if he's gotten better or worse, just cutting me off from someone who's insight i respect a lot

you don't fucking know him and it sucks that you've made yourself uncomfortable to be around based on an assumption of his character formed from an interpretation of how he behaved one of his shittier days