So once again I am getting excluded entirely.

I don't know what to do, I don't even know if I want to go anymore. I'm having horrible thoughts about how I shouldn't bother and would be better off dead again.

God damn it all.

Again, and again, and again. Well... Now it's too late. People have plans now, the handful of people who were open to making plans planned without me. One person who was making a group dinner plan even told me they likely aren't doing it because they don't want to get in the way of people's plans.

Late to make plans and tickets would be sold out.

And I got to the point where I was begging people and offering to pay for their tickets.

Well, it's happening again for MFF. I started asking MONTHS ago if anyone wanted to hang out, or make plans, just... Anything.

But I was told it was too early

With the person instead of subtweeting them? Because right now I feel extremely unwelcome in a community that is meant to be inclusive and caring. Like... I am getting shoved out, and the few people who care enough to talk to me aren't enough to stop it.

Bleh... I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do, I am tired of being alone, but I don't know what else I can do at this point.

I just want to feel welcome, and I don't. I want to have IRL friends, but I don't have any. I want to feel like I belong, but I don't.

if I just buy "stuff" people will want to be around me and share in it. I bought root and like 4 expansions, but I have NO ONE to play with. I have an entire shelf of games, but NO ONE to play with. I keep just buying them hoping that I will find one that will actually make people want to hang out.

are limited and can't be here for me in person, they can't meet me at a con, or arrange a weekend visit with me, they can't sit down and play board games, or give me a hug. I have realized that the reason I keep buying "things" like board games and toys is because I have this idea in my head that

hobbies and interests, but NO ONE ever wants to meet me in the middle. It's 100% ALWAYS on ME to be happy or not have friends, at least that's how it feels to me. Recently I have had a couple people try and reach out to me, and I greatly appreciate those people for doing so, but even those people

they do so because I am just a downer. It's a loop, I am a downer and sad because no one wants to be around me, and no one wants to be around me because I am a sad downer. I have done my best to BE happy, I have tried to share my hobbies and interests, I have tried engaging with other people's

at everyone else. I fucked up, I made many mistakes in my life, I burned a lot of bridges with old friends some on purpose some on accident. I could have likely found a better way to deal with my feelings... But, I do blame at least /some/ of this on the people who keep rejecting me. Who then claim

therapists, but no one is asking for therapy, I HAVE a therapist (although not a very good one it seems), i am asking for friends. Real, honest to god friends. The MAIN source of my depression is a history of abuse, the secondary is loneliness. IRL loneliness.

To be clear I am not throwing blame

better. Which in my opinion is the exact opposite of building community. you can't "build a community" if you shove out and refuse to help people who need help, you can't ignore people in pain and pretend like you are a good person, that's just not how it works.

I have been told that they aren't

a lot of them like to talk about building community and connecting with people and supporting each other... Right up until someone actually needs help. I am not going to name anyone, not going to out any chats, but at LEAST one chat admin straight up said it is NO ONES job to make anyone else feel

my knife and just... Started slicing. The only reason I am even here right now is because the knife was extremely dull and I was struggling to break skin at first.

People might wonder why I didn't reach out, well I did. As I said, I keep getting rejected by people, I am in multiple group chats and

mid thirties most of those online friends have moved on and left me behind. I feel alone and rejected by everyone, and on Thursday night I attempted to engage with someone and once again got rejected, and... Snapped. I said my peace, then went offline not knowing what I was going to do. I picked up

people at MFF and people keep telling me to stop. I have no IRL friends, at all. That isn't an exaggeration, I LITERALLY have no friends. I was bullied through high school and abused by my parents and only found friends online, so I never ever made any meaningful connections, ever. And now in my

both the furry and babyfur communities. I tried to make plans to take a break and go to a ren faire for months, and nobody wanted to go, I was practically BEGGING in the weeks before, even going so far as to offer to pay for entry fees, food, and gas. I am CURRENTLY trying to plan to meet up with

The cuts weren't as deep or as bad as they could have been. This wasn't a ploy for attention, or whatever people like to say when someone does this. I was repeatedly rejected by several people I reached out to just to try and talk and make friends with, and it broke me. I feel alone and excluded in

Working two jobs, I'm tired of everything.

If I had a gun right now I wouldn't give it a second thought. And no one, NO ONE, would even know or care.