hey what’s the app for dating traditionally beautiful 30 year old women without personality disorders, I downloaded the bad one again

you’re in her DMs

I’m on the couch with her mom
doing my Radio impression

most str8 women’s dating profiles are like (1) you will NOT lie to me (2) you WILL spoil me (3) ive been visited by the ghost of Joan of Arc who commanded me to adopt this blind puggle that shits itself every morning

(half-time at the super bowl)

me: certified blubber boy
circumcised cinephile

sure clowns may make me laugh so hard all day with their big floppy shoes and outrageous wigs and colorful makeup, and yeah they dazzle children of all ages with amazing balloon animals and honk basically the funniest horns in the whole world, some of em even get out of a small car. forgot my point

Did anyone see the movie Civil War? Not particularly a good movie. But a great ending.

uhhh… Luigi who?

we live in the dumbest moment of human history and I am willing to prove it

one of the more vile things Neil Gaiman did to a victim was make them watch The Sandman

watching Machine Gun Kelly make Nicole Kidman squirt and bark like a dog. Five stars