i love you all but we need to sleep

looking at the reductive "it's all made up" dismisses a very human important experience: "meaning"

u might not mean it that way. but everyone who has said something like that to us made us feel very icky. so if ur gonna say that, u better be ready to clarify what you mean exactly.

if u wanna look at things in a cynical way, everything is made up, buddy. the human experience and culture is a collective swathe of human artistic expression. just some people sought to build/exploit systems to take control over narrative and set the stage of today's most visible colonialised norms

so yeah it's a messy thought process. and idk i guess i just get self conscious of ppl who don't know any better, watching that and end up revealing some kinda judgment like "ohh what a mess. ur just making all this up lol" and i mean look-

and idk, maybe she ends up taking a diff name and deciding to join the other 6 kinda dormant headmates no one knows about.

and that should just be ok right? if ur trans you are allowed to freely switch between names. why is this any different?

i think we are all feeling a bit weird if we have to tell people eventually, hey, actually there is no headmate "maddie". will ppl be weird and be like, well what happened to her? is she someone else? or what? and like, we're stlil figuring things out, and frankly some details are *too* personal-

we chose "the Roses" as a system name as it was something we all liked, and it differentiated collective Maddie from headmate Maddie when needed. but we don't have a "host" or anything like that. some singlets just assume/treat it like Maddie is that-

some plural systems have a headmate who share the singlet presenting name. some may not, and the singlet name is purely a collective representation.

some systems designate a "host", who could be either-

or they might confuse headmate "maddie" with our "collective" name maddie. like "oh then who have i been talking to for the past 38 years?" when that hasn't changed. we, or some combination of us, have all been the "collective" maddie all along-

there's also been this whole internal thing about who is "maddie" the headmate. and it's really unclear. but we don't talk about it because ppl might assume bad faith about how our system is and how we treat our headmates,

and while yeah, we have figured out some kind of stability somewhat. we haven't been getting new headmates for the latter half of the year. there's a lot we don't even know about ourselves. and a lot of stuff changes within the 9 of us that you know-

muddies the water & confuses people more, puts meaningful tech that has been in use for literal decades on the list of things people turn blind distrust to bc every bit of our energy is being exhausted into fear and discerning reality. i get this is the whole point, but i still need to say it

much of white ppl writing is like, more hot take reactionary, same lukewarm substance 🤷🏻‍♀️

the ones that have me either go "yes, i have been saying/thinking this", "this is incredibly refreshing", "jfc i'm frustrated this isn't more well known/thought of", "this untangles this deep mess better than anything else", etc. are not from white ppl,

there's a part 2/x. but i need to get on with my day.

none of this is surprising btw

i hate that it has poisoned our thinking as well. thanks colonialism

effort for them to have to toss away everything they've been lied to about, things deeply ingrained and foundational in their worldview, opinion, their very morals and ethics. too "complicated"