Frank Bertrand 🫐
@frankbertrand.bsky.social
I write, format and print my own stories because I can't wait for everybody to catch up.
New Year's resolutions are coming. Remember, eating sugar makes you feel good a few minutes and if you don't, you don't feel good at all unless you show discipline and think of yourself as better than a person eating that sugar, and keep thinking it for more than a few minutes. It's a zero-sum game.
December 26, 2025 at 5:54 PM
New Year's resolutions are coming. Remember, eating sugar makes you feel good a few minutes and if you don't, you don't feel good at all unless you show discipline and think of yourself as better than a person eating that sugar, and keep thinking it for more than a few minutes. It's a zero-sum game.
The brawned Cimmerian turned to Livia, brows furrowed, and asked, “What magic? Children are born where they are born. Barns, alleys, or palaces. The gullible fool is only under his own stupidity spell.”
December 24, 2025 at 8:35 PM
The brawned Cimmerian turned to Livia, brows furrowed, and asked, “What magic? Children are born where they are born. Barns, alleys, or palaces. The gullible fool is only under his own stupidity spell.”
In the street came shouts and clatters of protest as the Cimmerian swept into the building, snow whipping past his furs and leathers as he devoured one of the armful of bunned sausages he carried.
“By Crom,” Conan growled, “stock up, vendor. Tis a known fact cold hollows a man’s stomach.”
“By Crom,” Conan growled, “stock up, vendor. Tis a known fact cold hollows a man’s stomach.”
December 18, 2025 at 9:11 PM
In the street came shouts and clatters of protest as the Cimmerian swept into the building, snow whipping past his furs and leathers as he devoured one of the armful of bunned sausages he carried.
“By Crom,” Conan growled, “stock up, vendor. Tis a known fact cold hollows a man’s stomach.”
“By Crom,” Conan growled, “stock up, vendor. Tis a known fact cold hollows a man’s stomach.”
The giant Cimmerian sat on his fur-covered seat as on a throne, reached for his greatsword and assiduously polished it with a chamois from the eastern spurs of the Eiglophian range.
“Battlesteel” he began, “mightier than any man or demon. Specially man-made ones.”
“Battlesteel” he began, “mightier than any man or demon. Specially man-made ones.”
December 14, 2025 at 11:38 PM
The giant Cimmerian sat on his fur-covered seat as on a throne, reached for his greatsword and assiduously polished it with a chamois from the eastern spurs of the Eiglophian range.
“Battlesteel” he began, “mightier than any man or demon. Specially man-made ones.”
“Battlesteel” he began, “mightier than any man or demon. Specially man-made ones.”
Daily confirmation: Yep.
December 13, 2025 at 2:16 AM
Daily confirmation: Yep.
“The sky above the port was the colour of the unburied Stygians that covered its shores and wharfs, masses of rotting flesh for the scavenging buzzards hopping among them.”
Livia squinted painfully, her fork half-way to her mouth. “No, Conan. I meant the worst scene you’ve ever seen in a movie.”
Livia squinted painfully, her fork half-way to her mouth. “No, Conan. I meant the worst scene you’ve ever seen in a movie.”
December 12, 2025 at 7:22 PM
“The sky above the port was the colour of the unburied Stygians that covered its shores and wharfs, masses of rotting flesh for the scavenging buzzards hopping among them.”
Livia squinted painfully, her fork half-way to her mouth. “No, Conan. I meant the worst scene you’ve ever seen in a movie.”
Livia squinted painfully, her fork half-way to her mouth. “No, Conan. I meant the worst scene you’ve ever seen in a movie.”
Kids have it easy with digital today. In my day, to pretend to have a girlfriend you had to cut a photo out of the Sears catalog and inevitably people would flip it over.
December 11, 2025 at 6:28 AM
Kids have it easy with digital today. In my day, to pretend to have a girlfriend you had to cut a photo out of the Sears catalog and inevitably people would flip it over.
By the glow of abacus engines’ red spots, Conan traced a path to the door. Finding it locked, he made for the windows, smashed one with the pommel of his sword and blasted the office cur who’d locked him in on his way to his horseless chariot, “Return and release me, dog. I know where you lodge.”
December 11, 2025 at 12:26 AM
By the glow of abacus engines’ red spots, Conan traced a path to the door. Finding it locked, he made for the windows, smashed one with the pommel of his sword and blasted the office cur who’d locked him in on his way to his horseless chariot, “Return and release me, dog. I know where you lodge.”
The Cimmerian warrior crashed his elaborate copper tankard on the inn table and let go a boisterous and reverberating bellow.
"This ale is making me hungry," he roared. "Bring me a chicken. Bring me two chickens."
"This ale is making me hungry," he roared. "Bring me a chicken. Bring me two chickens."
December 10, 2025 at 7:45 PM
The Cimmerian warrior crashed his elaborate copper tankard on the inn table and let go a boisterous and reverberating bellow.
"This ale is making me hungry," he roared. "Bring me a chicken. Bring me two chickens."
"This ale is making me hungry," he roared. "Bring me a chicken. Bring me two chickens."
"Conan?"
The bronzed giant took a panoramic look at the astrewn department curs and smirked.
"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘬 in Eruk," he said. "Its stout is thiolic and its ewe offal stew has no equal this side of Crom's Gates..."
"Ok, we'll have the Christmas dinner at Joe's again," cut short the floor manager.
The bronzed giant took a panoramic look at the astrewn department curs and smirked.
"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘬 in Eruk," he said. "Its stout is thiolic and its ewe offal stew has no equal this side of Crom's Gates..."
"Ok, we'll have the Christmas dinner at Joe's again," cut short the floor manager.
December 5, 2025 at 12:00 AM
"Conan?"
The bronzed giant took a panoramic look at the astrewn department curs and smirked.
"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘬 in Eruk," he said. "Its stout is thiolic and its ewe offal stew has no equal this side of Crom's Gates..."
"Ok, we'll have the Christmas dinner at Joe's again," cut short the floor manager.
The bronzed giant took a panoramic look at the astrewn department curs and smirked.
"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘬 in Eruk," he said. "Its stout is thiolic and its ewe offal stew has no equal this side of Crom's Gates..."
"Ok, we'll have the Christmas dinner at Joe's again," cut short the floor manager.
The Cimmerian’s deep blue eyes shined as though reflecting a distant brasier. He guided Livia through cavernous paths with a thousand-foot drop to one side and a wall of slimed rock to the other.
“There is nothing to fear in darkness,” he told Livia, “…but mayhaps the man-sized bats ahead.”
“There is nothing to fear in darkness,” he told Livia, “…but mayhaps the man-sized bats ahead.”
December 3, 2025 at 4:27 PM
The Cimmerian’s deep blue eyes shined as though reflecting a distant brasier. He guided Livia through cavernous paths with a thousand-foot drop to one side and a wall of slimed rock to the other.
“There is nothing to fear in darkness,” he told Livia, “…but mayhaps the man-sized bats ahead.”
“There is nothing to fear in darkness,” he told Livia, “…but mayhaps the man-sized bats ahead.”
“Let him be, by Mitra,” Conan told the concerned crowd. “This half-hearted warrior needs to have his cry afore mustering more courage.”
The office curs, by wave, let the cold treats machine resupplier be as he mumbled, “Caramel, nougat, vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. That’s the Frost Giant.”
The office curs, by wave, let the cold treats machine resupplier be as he mumbled, “Caramel, nougat, vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. That’s the Frost Giant.”
November 29, 2025 at 11:23 PM
“Let him be, by Mitra,” Conan told the concerned crowd. “This half-hearted warrior needs to have his cry afore mustering more courage.”
The office curs, by wave, let the cold treats machine resupplier be as he mumbled, “Caramel, nougat, vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. That’s the Frost Giant.”
The office curs, by wave, let the cold treats machine resupplier be as he mumbled, “Caramel, nougat, vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. That’s the Frost Giant.”
“By Crom,” said the Cimmerian, “I have been about all of yesterday and received not one word of thanks. Something’s afoul with your holiday.”
November 28, 2025 at 6:04 PM
“By Crom,” said the Cimmerian, “I have been about all of yesterday and received not one word of thanks. Something’s afoul with your holiday.”
The brethren of the Last Call had said his peace but Conan ignored him.
“Another tankard,” he screeched above the hum of the inn patrons. “Better make it three. I just thought of the time I was locked up in a dungeon with only a wooden stake against three giant pythons.”
“Another tankard,” he screeched above the hum of the inn patrons. “Better make it three. I just thought of the time I was locked up in a dungeon with only a wooden stake against three giant pythons.”
November 26, 2025 at 5:31 PM
The brethren of the Last Call had said his peace but Conan ignored him.
“Another tankard,” he screeched above the hum of the inn patrons. “Better make it three. I just thought of the time I was locked up in a dungeon with only a wooden stake against three giant pythons.”
“Another tankard,” he screeched above the hum of the inn patrons. “Better make it three. I just thought of the time I was locked up in a dungeon with only a wooden stake against three giant pythons.”
“Delivery has been changed to tomorrow,” Livia said, her phoning device in hand, making her soft face glow in the darkened room.
Conan’s terrible laughter filled the air.
“Coward!” he howled. “The cur is only trading today for tomorrow.”
Conan’s terrible laughter filled the air.
“Coward!” he howled. “The cur is only trading today for tomorrow.”
November 25, 2025 at 1:56 AM
“Delivery has been changed to tomorrow,” Livia said, her phoning device in hand, making her soft face glow in the darkened room.
Conan’s terrible laughter filled the air.
“Coward!” he howled. “The cur is only trading today for tomorrow.”
Conan’s terrible laughter filled the air.
“Coward!” he howled. “The cur is only trading today for tomorrow.”
Conan had paced from sunrise to beyond sunset. Greatsword in hand now, he waited for the deliveryman, wroth building up like mushrooming poisonous fungi.
“What has this wait cost you, Conan?” asked Livia.
“The question is ‘What will it cost him?’,” roared Conan. His sword shook with anticipation.
“What has this wait cost you, Conan?” asked Livia.
“The question is ‘What will it cost him?’,” roared Conan. His sword shook with anticipation.
November 25, 2025 at 1:51 AM
Conan had paced from sunrise to beyond sunset. Greatsword in hand now, he waited for the deliveryman, wroth building up like mushrooming poisonous fungi.
“What has this wait cost you, Conan?” asked Livia.
“The question is ‘What will it cost him?’,” roared Conan. His sword shook with anticipation.
“What has this wait cost you, Conan?” asked Livia.
“The question is ‘What will it cost him?’,” roared Conan. His sword shook with anticipation.
“Your momentary anger is of little consequence,” the mighty Cimmerian told the bar wench, keeping her back at the point of his broadsword. “I once incited the vengeful hatred of the pirate Valeria and I wasn’t fully restablished from her savage attack of a yonder betrayal.”
November 22, 2025 at 9:24 PM
“Your momentary anger is of little consequence,” the mighty Cimmerian told the bar wench, keeping her back at the point of his broadsword. “I once incited the vengeful hatred of the pirate Valeria and I wasn’t fully restablished from her savage attack of a yonder betrayal.”
Conan looked out the window and saw that the day was a good one and left it be.
November 18, 2025 at 6:03 PM
Conan looked out the window and saw that the day was a good one and left it be.
The Cimmerian lover draped a bear skin over his shoulders and gazed out the window at the starry night.
“Come back to bed,” he heard whisper the she-devil of Rogatino.
“The sun will rise,” replied the mighty Conan, “and I with it, but, yes, let us first finish what was started.”
“Come back to bed,” he heard whisper the she-devil of Rogatino.
“The sun will rise,” replied the mighty Conan, “and I with it, but, yes, let us first finish what was started.”
November 16, 2025 at 5:38 AM
The Cimmerian lover draped a bear skin over his shoulders and gazed out the window at the starry night.
“Come back to bed,” he heard whisper the she-devil of Rogatino.
“The sun will rise,” replied the mighty Conan, “and I with it, but, yes, let us first finish what was started.”
“Come back to bed,” he heard whisper the she-devil of Rogatino.
“The sun will rise,” replied the mighty Conan, “and I with it, but, yes, let us first finish what was started.”
Following the trend in bookstores, if I was to open my own bookstore I'd call it 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘛𝘰𝘺𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘒𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘬-𝘒𝘯𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘴 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘉𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴.
November 13, 2025 at 5:19 PM
Following the trend in bookstores, if I was to open my own bookstore I'd call it 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘛𝘰𝘺𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘒𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘬-𝘒𝘯𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘴 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘉𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴.
The stench of faeces hit the Cimmerian like a maul. He unsheathed his heavy sword. Then a worse stench reached him, that of lavender.
“Cur,” he snarled. “You shall not mark your territory in my pot.”
“Conan,” came a voice, “is that you?”
“Sonja?” returned the warrior. He threw his steel on the sofa.
“Cur,” he snarled. “You shall not mark your territory in my pot.”
“Conan,” came a voice, “is that you?”
“Sonja?” returned the warrior. He threw his steel on the sofa.
November 11, 2025 at 8:16 PM
The stench of faeces hit the Cimmerian like a maul. He unsheathed his heavy sword. Then a worse stench reached him, that of lavender.
“Cur,” he snarled. “You shall not mark your territory in my pot.”
“Conan,” came a voice, “is that you?”
“Sonja?” returned the warrior. He threw his steel on the sofa.
“Cur,” he snarled. “You shall not mark your territory in my pot.”
“Conan,” came a voice, “is that you?”
“Sonja?” returned the warrior. He threw his steel on the sofa.
Barnacles on aircrafts are much more dangerous than on watercrafts.
November 10, 2025 at 4:55 PM
Barnacles on aircrafts are much more dangerous than on watercrafts.
The mighty Cimmerian forced himself up with grunts and painful command over bones and muscles yet under the control of sluggishness. With the aid of his greatsword, he rose above the cancerous eoten and fumbled toward the cave's opening, the bleeding gigant head impaled on his steel.
November 1, 2025 at 10:15 PM
The mighty Cimmerian forced himself up with grunts and painful command over bones and muscles yet under the control of sluggishness. With the aid of his greatsword, he rose above the cancerous eoten and fumbled toward the cave's opening, the bleeding gigant head impaled on his steel.
I may be alone here, but I think it’s great they’re building a floor hockey room at the WH.
October 29, 2025 at 4:50 PM
I may be alone here, but I think it’s great they’re building a floor hockey room at the WH.
By fits, Conan fell in and out of groggy consciousness. Drenched in the blood of its many wounds, he could see over him the beast faltering, growing unsteady. Conan’s steel dipped in the juices of the black locust had at last infected the creature.
“Which of us will Crom take first, damned Eoten?”
“Which of us will Crom take first, damned Eoten?”
October 18, 2025 at 9:57 AM
By fits, Conan fell in and out of groggy consciousness. Drenched in the blood of its many wounds, he could see over him the beast faltering, growing unsteady. Conan’s steel dipped in the juices of the black locust had at last infected the creature.
“Which of us will Crom take first, damned Eoten?”
“Which of us will Crom take first, damned Eoten?”