Frank Bertrand 🫐
@frankbertrand.bsky.social
I write, format and print my own stories because I can't wait for everybody to catch up.
"When I was king of Aquilonia," said Conan, pewter goblet in hand in his massive oaken chair, "many were those coming at me bearing sword and scroll, pretenders to the throne all." The one called Drew was slouched over, half asleep with drink. "But my wine was strong and their constitutions weak."
February 4, 2026 at 2:52 PM
"When I was king of Aquilonia," said Conan, pewter goblet in hand in his massive oaken chair, "many were those coming at me bearing sword and scroll, pretenders to the throne all." The one called Drew was slouched over, half asleep with drink. "But my wine was strong and their constitutions weak."
The one called Drew squinted by the candlelight and shouted over the din inside the stone tavern. He read from his note, "Add a pecuniary clause for the time the NDA would limit my employability should I be exiled."
Conan took a long drink of wine and said, "Good. They'll never bedevil you again."
Conan took a long drink of wine and said, "Good. They'll never bedevil you again."
January 31, 2026 at 1:52 AM
The one called Drew squinted by the candlelight and shouted over the din inside the stone tavern. He read from his note, "Add a pecuniary clause for the time the NDA would limit my employability should I be exiled."
Conan took a long drink of wine and said, "Good. They'll never bedevil you again."
Conan took a long drink of wine and said, "Good. They'll never bedevil you again."
As a crappy writer, my most marketable skill is keeping a straight face.
January 30, 2026 at 8:03 PM
As a crappy writer, my most marketable skill is keeping a straight face.
The five stages of creativity: hey, hmm, ah, oh, yuck.
January 28, 2026 at 12:16 AM
The five stages of creativity: hey, hmm, ah, oh, yuck.
The one they called Drew listened, document in hand.
“I obey no gods,” Conan explained. “Gods that need men to do their bidding are weaker than men and are not to be feared. Remember that a man is measured by his willingness to give away his freedom.”
Beaming with resolve, Drew tore up the NDA.
“I obey no gods,” Conan explained. “Gods that need men to do their bidding are weaker than men and are not to be feared. Remember that a man is measured by his willingness to give away his freedom.”
Beaming with resolve, Drew tore up the NDA.
January 27, 2026 at 1:54 PM
The one they called Drew listened, document in hand.
“I obey no gods,” Conan explained. “Gods that need men to do their bidding are weaker than men and are not to be feared. Remember that a man is measured by his willingness to give away his freedom.”
Beaming with resolve, Drew tore up the NDA.
“I obey no gods,” Conan explained. “Gods that need men to do their bidding are weaker than men and are not to be feared. Remember that a man is measured by his willingness to give away his freedom.”
Beaming with resolve, Drew tore up the NDA.
“Lions and leopards drink water in the same muddy puddles but not together.”
The new manager they called Drew looked bemused by Conan’s words.
“A leopard can never stand next to a lion.”
“I don’t understand, Conan.”
“Get off my sandal!” The Cimmerian’s roar sent the young man flailing for balance.
The new manager they called Drew looked bemused by Conan’s words.
“A leopard can never stand next to a lion.”
“I don’t understand, Conan.”
“Get off my sandal!” The Cimmerian’s roar sent the young man flailing for balance.
January 23, 2026 at 9:21 AM
“Lions and leopards drink water in the same muddy puddles but not together.”
The new manager they called Drew looked bemused by Conan’s words.
“A leopard can never stand next to a lion.”
“I don’t understand, Conan.”
“Get off my sandal!” The Cimmerian’s roar sent the young man flailing for balance.
The new manager they called Drew looked bemused by Conan’s words.
“A leopard can never stand next to a lion.”
“I don’t understand, Conan.”
“Get off my sandal!” The Cimmerian’s roar sent the young man flailing for balance.
“What are you doing?” snapped the Hyborian warrior.
“What?” replied the bemused young new manager.
“What is that list?”
“My workflow chart.”
“Who quilled it?”
“The previous manager.”
“The exiled one?”
“Well, yes.”
“Seek your own,” Conan said, taring the laminated pulp. “Never ape a failed cur.”
“What?” replied the bemused young new manager.
“What is that list?”
“My workflow chart.”
“Who quilled it?”
“The previous manager.”
“The exiled one?”
“Well, yes.”
“Seek your own,” Conan said, taring the laminated pulp. “Never ape a failed cur.”
January 20, 2026 at 1:33 AM
“What are you doing?” snapped the Hyborian warrior.
“What?” replied the bemused young new manager.
“What is that list?”
“My workflow chart.”
“Who quilled it?”
“The previous manager.”
“The exiled one?”
“Well, yes.”
“Seek your own,” Conan said, taring the laminated pulp. “Never ape a failed cur.”
“What?” replied the bemused young new manager.
“What is that list?”
“My workflow chart.”
“Who quilled it?”
“The previous manager.”
“The exiled one?”
“Well, yes.”
“Seek your own,” Conan said, taring the laminated pulp. “Never ape a failed cur.”
The young manager was desperate for the Aquilonian philosopher-king's wisdom.
"It is good you came to me," began Conan. "The most important thing in your new trade is potency through fealty. To obtain and retain loyalty, daily bagels and cream cheese are unavoidable. And Friday pizzas. Always."
"It is good you came to me," began Conan. "The most important thing in your new trade is potency through fealty. To obtain and retain loyalty, daily bagels and cream cheese are unavoidable. And Friday pizzas. Always."
January 11, 2026 at 6:52 AM
The young manager was desperate for the Aquilonian philosopher-king's wisdom.
"It is good you came to me," began Conan. "The most important thing in your new trade is potency through fealty. To obtain and retain loyalty, daily bagels and cream cheese are unavoidable. And Friday pizzas. Always."
"It is good you came to me," began Conan. "The most important thing in your new trade is potency through fealty. To obtain and retain loyalty, daily bagels and cream cheese are unavoidable. And Friday pizzas. Always."
“You conclude the supernatural is superior to the natural but it is not. It is crude, unpredictable and unstable. Nothing living off it can last.”
Guarded, the proselytisers put away their books and left.
“Who was it?” asked Livia.
Shutting the door, Conan answered, “A witch and a demon.”
Guarded, the proselytisers put away their books and left.
“Who was it?” asked Livia.
Shutting the door, Conan answered, “A witch and a demon.”
January 6, 2026 at 9:10 AM
“You conclude the supernatural is superior to the natural but it is not. It is crude, unpredictable and unstable. Nothing living off it can last.”
Guarded, the proselytisers put away their books and left.
“Who was it?” asked Livia.
Shutting the door, Conan answered, “A witch and a demon.”
Guarded, the proselytisers put away their books and left.
“Who was it?” asked Livia.
Shutting the door, Conan answered, “A witch and a demon.”
Conan opened one eye, sneered at the falling snow through the bedroom window, rolled into another layer of bear furs and grunted, “Tisn’t spring yet, by Crom.”
January 2, 2026 at 5:51 PM
Conan opened one eye, sneered at the falling snow through the bedroom window, rolled into another layer of bear furs and grunted, “Tisn’t spring yet, by Crom.”
My only New Year’s resolution: I’m going to soak my feet more than never, which was my old habit. It’s important when you’re elderly to have dreams, they say.
January 1, 2026 at 5:33 AM
My only New Year’s resolution: I’m going to soak my feet more than never, which was my old habit. It’s important when you’re elderly to have dreams, they say.
New Year's resolutions are coming. Remember, eating sugar makes you feel good a few minutes and if you don't, you don't feel good at all unless you show discipline and think of yourself as better than a person eating that sugar, and keep thinking it for more than a few minutes. It's a zero-sum game.
December 26, 2025 at 5:54 PM
New Year's resolutions are coming. Remember, eating sugar makes you feel good a few minutes and if you don't, you don't feel good at all unless you show discipline and think of yourself as better than a person eating that sugar, and keep thinking it for more than a few minutes. It's a zero-sum game.
The brawned Cimmerian turned to Livia, brows furrowed, and asked, “What magic? Children are born where they are born. Barns, alleys, or palaces. The gullible fool is only under his own stupidity spell.”
December 24, 2025 at 8:35 PM
The brawned Cimmerian turned to Livia, brows furrowed, and asked, “What magic? Children are born where they are born. Barns, alleys, or palaces. The gullible fool is only under his own stupidity spell.”
In the street came shouts and clatters of protest as the Cimmerian swept into the building, snow whipping past his furs and leathers as he devoured one of the armful of bunned sausages he carried.
“By Crom,” Conan growled, “stock up, vendor. Tis a known fact cold hollows a man’s stomach.”
“By Crom,” Conan growled, “stock up, vendor. Tis a known fact cold hollows a man’s stomach.”
December 18, 2025 at 9:11 PM
In the street came shouts and clatters of protest as the Cimmerian swept into the building, snow whipping past his furs and leathers as he devoured one of the armful of bunned sausages he carried.
“By Crom,” Conan growled, “stock up, vendor. Tis a known fact cold hollows a man’s stomach.”
“By Crom,” Conan growled, “stock up, vendor. Tis a known fact cold hollows a man’s stomach.”
The giant Cimmerian sat on his fur-covered seat as on a throne, reached for his greatsword and assiduously polished it with a chamois from the eastern spurs of the Eiglophian range.
“Battlesteel” he began, “mightier than any man or demon. Specially man-made ones.”
“Battlesteel” he began, “mightier than any man or demon. Specially man-made ones.”
December 14, 2025 at 11:38 PM
The giant Cimmerian sat on his fur-covered seat as on a throne, reached for his greatsword and assiduously polished it with a chamois from the eastern spurs of the Eiglophian range.
“Battlesteel” he began, “mightier than any man or demon. Specially man-made ones.”
“Battlesteel” he began, “mightier than any man or demon. Specially man-made ones.”
Daily confirmation: Yep.
December 13, 2025 at 2:16 AM
Daily confirmation: Yep.
“The sky above the port was the colour of the unburied Stygians that covered its shores and wharfs, masses of rotting flesh for the scavenging buzzards hopping among them.”
Livia squinted painfully, her fork half-way to her mouth. “No, Conan. I meant the worst scene you’ve ever seen in a movie.”
Livia squinted painfully, her fork half-way to her mouth. “No, Conan. I meant the worst scene you’ve ever seen in a movie.”
December 12, 2025 at 7:22 PM
“The sky above the port was the colour of the unburied Stygians that covered its shores and wharfs, masses of rotting flesh for the scavenging buzzards hopping among them.”
Livia squinted painfully, her fork half-way to her mouth. “No, Conan. I meant the worst scene you’ve ever seen in a movie.”
Livia squinted painfully, her fork half-way to her mouth. “No, Conan. I meant the worst scene you’ve ever seen in a movie.”
Kids have it easy with digital today. In my day, to pretend to have a girlfriend you had to cut a photo out of the Sears catalog and inevitably people would flip it over.
December 11, 2025 at 6:28 AM
Kids have it easy with digital today. In my day, to pretend to have a girlfriend you had to cut a photo out of the Sears catalog and inevitably people would flip it over.
By the glow of abacus engines’ red spots, Conan traced a path to the door. Finding it locked, he made for the windows, smashed one with the pommel of his sword and blasted the office cur who’d locked him in on his way to his horseless chariot, “Return and release me, dog. I know where you lodge.”
December 11, 2025 at 12:26 AM
By the glow of abacus engines’ red spots, Conan traced a path to the door. Finding it locked, he made for the windows, smashed one with the pommel of his sword and blasted the office cur who’d locked him in on his way to his horseless chariot, “Return and release me, dog. I know where you lodge.”
The Cimmerian warrior crashed his elaborate copper tankard on the inn table and let go a boisterous and reverberating bellow.
"This ale is making me hungry," he roared. "Bring me a chicken. Bring me two chickens."
"This ale is making me hungry," he roared. "Bring me a chicken. Bring me two chickens."
December 10, 2025 at 7:45 PM
The Cimmerian warrior crashed his elaborate copper tankard on the inn table and let go a boisterous and reverberating bellow.
"This ale is making me hungry," he roared. "Bring me a chicken. Bring me two chickens."
"This ale is making me hungry," he roared. "Bring me a chicken. Bring me two chickens."
"Conan?"
The bronzed giant took a panoramic look at the astrewn department curs and smirked.
"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘬 in Eruk," he said. "Its stout is thiolic and its ewe offal stew has no equal this side of Crom's Gates..."
"Ok, we'll have the Christmas dinner at Joe's again," cut short the floor manager.
The bronzed giant took a panoramic look at the astrewn department curs and smirked.
"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘬 in Eruk," he said. "Its stout is thiolic and its ewe offal stew has no equal this side of Crom's Gates..."
"Ok, we'll have the Christmas dinner at Joe's again," cut short the floor manager.
December 5, 2025 at 12:00 AM
"Conan?"
The bronzed giant took a panoramic look at the astrewn department curs and smirked.
"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘬 in Eruk," he said. "Its stout is thiolic and its ewe offal stew has no equal this side of Crom's Gates..."
"Ok, we'll have the Christmas dinner at Joe's again," cut short the floor manager.
The bronzed giant took a panoramic look at the astrewn department curs and smirked.
"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘬 in Eruk," he said. "Its stout is thiolic and its ewe offal stew has no equal this side of Crom's Gates..."
"Ok, we'll have the Christmas dinner at Joe's again," cut short the floor manager.
The Cimmerian’s deep blue eyes shined as though reflecting a distant brasier. He guided Livia through cavernous paths with a thousand-foot drop to one side and a wall of slimed rock to the other.
“There is nothing to fear in darkness,” he told Livia, “…but mayhaps the man-sized bats ahead.”
“There is nothing to fear in darkness,” he told Livia, “…but mayhaps the man-sized bats ahead.”
December 3, 2025 at 4:27 PM
The Cimmerian’s deep blue eyes shined as though reflecting a distant brasier. He guided Livia through cavernous paths with a thousand-foot drop to one side and a wall of slimed rock to the other.
“There is nothing to fear in darkness,” he told Livia, “…but mayhaps the man-sized bats ahead.”
“There is nothing to fear in darkness,” he told Livia, “…but mayhaps the man-sized bats ahead.”
“Let him be, by Mitra,” Conan told the concerned crowd. “This half-hearted warrior needs to have his cry afore mustering more courage.”
The office curs, by wave, let the cold treats machine resupplier be as he mumbled, “Caramel, nougat, vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. That’s the Frost Giant.”
The office curs, by wave, let the cold treats machine resupplier be as he mumbled, “Caramel, nougat, vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. That’s the Frost Giant.”
November 29, 2025 at 11:23 PM
“Let him be, by Mitra,” Conan told the concerned crowd. “This half-hearted warrior needs to have his cry afore mustering more courage.”
The office curs, by wave, let the cold treats machine resupplier be as he mumbled, “Caramel, nougat, vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. That’s the Frost Giant.”
The office curs, by wave, let the cold treats machine resupplier be as he mumbled, “Caramel, nougat, vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone. That’s the Frost Giant.”
“By Crom,” said the Cimmerian, “I have been about all of yesterday and received not one word of thanks. Something’s afoul with your holiday.”
November 28, 2025 at 6:04 PM
“By Crom,” said the Cimmerian, “I have been about all of yesterday and received not one word of thanks. Something’s afoul with your holiday.”
The brethren of the Last Call had said his peace but Conan ignored him.
“Another tankard,” he screeched above the hum of the inn patrons. “Better make it three. I just thought of the time I was locked up in a dungeon with only a wooden stake against three giant pythons.”
“Another tankard,” he screeched above the hum of the inn patrons. “Better make it three. I just thought of the time I was locked up in a dungeon with only a wooden stake against three giant pythons.”
November 26, 2025 at 5:31 PM
The brethren of the Last Call had said his peace but Conan ignored him.
“Another tankard,” he screeched above the hum of the inn patrons. “Better make it three. I just thought of the time I was locked up in a dungeon with only a wooden stake against three giant pythons.”
“Another tankard,” he screeched above the hum of the inn patrons. “Better make it three. I just thought of the time I was locked up in a dungeon with only a wooden stake against three giant pythons.”