Me: why do my muscles hurt?

Morpheus my personal trainer: because you’ve never used them before

date: can you take off your work gloves

Jim Henson: they have names

I’m just a girl made of equal parts procrastination and hyper focus

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

10/10 recommend you guys grocery shop high

Someone just said " like it raw" so naturally I sang, "yeah baby, I like it raw" with a little gyrating action and now HR is emailing me again

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Casting director: we don't have Danny DeVito

Producer: shit. I really liked him for that role

Casting director: Is Pesci ok?

Doug is just Canadian for dog