Not somewhere I can safely pick up prescriptions from pharmacy and despite doing concealed package delivery from online pharmacy for longest time, current homeowner is exceptionally nosy and invasive. I wasn't seeing any meaningful results anyway, so I guess I won't miss having HRT...

Jobhunt hasnt been productive in over a year.
Screaming into the void hasnt been productive for 5 months.
Keeping my head down hasnt been productive in 2 households over 2 months now.
Collections can no longer be kept at bay and my credit is a smoking crater.
The hell is the even the point anymore.

And thats the final nail in the coffin; Disposition letter posted Noon today, due today for amounts charged relating to services rendered by apartment complex in finalizing termination of lease.
And no funds to cover that amount. God I love everything about this.

I got no coherent thoughts for yah after the month(s) I've had. Frustrated, overwhelmed and furious. Just screaming. Loud gutteral throat destroying screaming.

Well, successfully delayed everything by a month... and its been a month since I mentioned my situation.
Yep that's right, its that time again and this time I don't have anything more to sell off to try keeping back the debt collection!

"If you need anything / if I can help in any way, just let me know"

I don't know that you can. I can give you the *real* honest 4-digit number and we can see what little you can whittle away, but frankly that number is just to keep this Hell going.

I don't know what it will take to get out.

Well now that the weight of only having less than a month left at this place, and thus need to get rid of everything that doesnt fit in my car, and still no job prospects has settled, yeah the new problem to solve is "what now?"

I still have no idea and it horrifies me.

Oh, silly me. So bad just got worse; I guess my cosigner started to crunch numbers and is now as antsy about this entire "no job" situation as I am... and are seriously considering pursuing early termination of the lease by 3 whole months.

$3000

I tried to be optimistic, to keep up the effort, but it meant I made very bad assumptions. I am $3000 short of what I "should" have to make it through this lease and need to come up with $400 of it in 2 weeks. And that's short term.

Electric bill just came in and yep, I will be making forum posts in my old haunts to stem the bleeding and much needed downsizing, but time's up.

The frustrating part isnt Im here, that doesnt surprise me. The frustrating part is everyone expects I know how to ask for help, that I have a plan, that if I just do the thing everything will fix itself.

I dont know how to ask for help. I have no ideas what to do. I tried everything, didnt work.

I thought hardship and stress were supposed to be galvanizing? Thinking Ive never recovered once in 13 years, just kept finding a new bottom or maybe I just keep falling over and over? Just feel broken and alone maybe not for the first time but more sharply than in recent memory.

Happy Pride(?)

I dunno, do what y'all can but for everyone else who is also "behind enemy lines, surviving out of sight, out of mind" how do you cope?
I haven't been in a spot to even attempt to live and be seen for 3 years and counting. Its just not in the cards, and this rate never will.

I meant to be using this so much more. The possibility of randos seeing me screaming into the void and probably saying something was the entire point.
But, now I find I keep holding off because I know who can see this and don't want them dealing with it.