Instead of getting snatched, this year the girls are getting dratched. (dressing up like Rachel Dratch.)

Got rejected by a stray cat. Humiliated. Embarrassed. Took 5 damage.

Me, every time I clumsily close an umbrella while it’s pouring rain: I am graceful. I am woman.

@bobsburgersfox.bsky.social there needs to be a soup store called “Soup! There it is!” in the show. No I won’t take any constructive criticism

Called Apple genius store because of my iCloud storage

Apple genius guy: yeah let’s go to your regular storage. See your photos are about 18.61GB

Me: yeahhhh and that’s not even of me. Those are just memes

Apple genius guy: why are we the same person?

Me building an ikea piece: I’m a freakin craftsman. Why didn’t I take wood shop?

Me when I thought I killed the gnat flying around in my apartment

So when I realize everyone in date everything, does that mean I have to get new furniture and appliances?

Been thinking about how @dropout.tv has managed to get 2 out of the 3 ducktales voice actors, Ben Schwartz and Bobby Moynihan. Leaving only one sole duck left. In this essay, I will now ask @samreich.bsky.social to secure Danny Pudi so they can say they have all of their ducks in a row

Me after being turned by Remmick and we do the Irish shanty: do you guys know wonderwall

Happy national authors day! Go hug a fellow author because they’re probably crying and not writing their book like they should be doing!

Me, patting the roof of my car like a horse as it shakily starts up: whoaaaa there girl

What’s been keeping me up at night is that I went to the dentist the other day and she asked if I had an electric or “manual” toothbrush but I didn’t hear her say manual and I forgot the word “regular” so without missing a beat I said “acoustic”

Rumor has it that this song plays after you’re done watching five nights at Freddy’s