Tori Espensen
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drtoriespy.bsky.social
Tori Espensen
@drtoriespy.bsky.social
150 followers 200 following 600 posts
This Barbie posts science, sports, and absolute garbage. Livejournal refugee.
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drtoriespy.bsky.social
I was explaining the @dukesmayobowl.bsky.social Mayo Maniac tickets in the family group chat, and my mother's contribution was precious
A screenshot of a text conversation that reads Me: The Duke's Mayo Bowl is selling special ticket opportunities Mom: Oh, I use Duke's Mayo Now. But mine comes in a jar not a bowl.
November 13, 2025 at 4:25 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
Oh, so you've never had Thick Malort, then?
A screenshot of a twitter post from the bar Ivy and Coney. The image has a bottle of malort, thick it thickened water, and a mason jar of something that looks kind of like a fruit jelly. The text reads "Are you concerned your delicious Jeppson's malort doesn't linger long enough on your tongue? Our scientists have determined that this may be because it's too thin. Come experience the modern marvel that is Thick Malort"
September 12, 2025 at 11:28 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
The same overly thrilled millennial. It's clear that her only personality trait is nostalgia. She's wearing a navy sweatshirt with "LTD" in capital red white and blue letters. There's a Limited sean that says "Established 1987", and it says "Limited Too" in gold cursive. It's giving Old Navy Fourth of July Americana. It's giving Gap. It's giving Ralph Lauren, Massachusetts, sailboat 1990s perfection. Princess Diana would absolutely wear this sweatshirt
September 7, 2025 at 9:22 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
The Juniors section at Kohl's currently has a Limited Too collection, and yes, I did use my grown-up money and Kohl's cash to make some purchases
An overly thrilled millennial flashing a peace sign while wearing a light blue quarter zip sweatshirt with a logo that says Limited Too 1987 with the hibiscus flower that was on every single item of girls' clothing between 1999 and 2001
September 7, 2025 at 9:20 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
These are first half stats, but they stopped throwing in the second half. Arch Manning left an opening, so I'm starting Marburger's Heisman campaign now
A stat line from the end of the first half. Vaqueros quarterback Eddie Lee Marburger is 17 of 18 for 5 touchdowns, with 363 passing yards
August 31, 2025 at 3:50 AM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
My favorite part of the whole thread is that Bluesky has apparently determined that calling someone a Matt Yglesias follower is such an insult, it should be hidden and marked as rude
A screenshot of Bluesky hiding and marking as "rude" someone pointing out that this empty Doritos bag of a person is a Matt Yglesias follower
June 18, 2025 at 1:21 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
I am 98% sure that is a clip-on tie and it isn't even straight
The headshot of a smarmy-looking 22-year-old wearing a blue suit and a blue tie with white stars. He's in front of a Homeland Security backgrop. The knot of the tie is tiny and askew. He has a tiny wisp of a mustache, like maybe a mustache breathed near him once and left behind a smudge as it whispered across his face. His left eyebrow is cocked high like he thinks he's Dr. Evil, in a way that makes you know he thinks he's cool but everyone else is embarrassed for. It's difficult to tell if the top of his head is strangely wide, or if he just has a wideset haircut.
June 5, 2025 at 3:54 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
My ex-husband thought I was engaged or had bought a house, but actually I was inviting him to celebrate my cat becoming a man.
A text conversation that reads Person 1: I want to extend a save the date to you Person 2: Oh hello? He popped the question? Or housewarming? Person 1: No. Ari's bar meowtzvah
April 30, 2025 at 1:33 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
Six years ago, my mother did an Instagram influencer photoshoot with her one-eyed dog, Tobie. Please enjoy.
A tan dachshund-chihuahua mix with one eye staring wistfully into the distance, nestled in a field of bluebonnets
April 26, 2025 at 6:01 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
Annie Lennox voice:

🎶Chompin on, chompin on plastic baaaaags🎶
An orange cat looking suspiciously guilty, like maybe he just got caught eating a plastic bag. He has incredibly pointy ears
April 8, 2025 at 1:11 AM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
A tweet reading "one time I referenced a meme to this guy I was dating and he had never heard of it so I showed him the meme and his response was "so I'm just supposed to memorize all your little pictures in order to have a conversation with you?" and not a DAY goes by"
April 3, 2025 at 3:04 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
DC is so predictable
At Trivia night moderator: "Ok you can't all be houthi PC Small Group"
March 27, 2025 at 1:44 AM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
The duality of man
Two bluesky posts next to each other. The first reads "Happy economic boycott day to all who celebrate!" The second reads "Happy MLB.TV takes their money for your recurring subscription day to all who celebrate"
March 1, 2025 at 1:42 AM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
A gray tshirt that originally said "I just hope both teams have fun" poorly photoshopped to read "I just hope both teams have countries"
February 20, 2025 at 6:10 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
I need you to understand that I am very much not joking.
A woman wearing a sage green hoodie that has "em dash" written in bouncy cursive on it with an actual em dash on each side, which is a totally normal item of clothing to own
February 9, 2025 at 7:16 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
I saw this on the @washprobs.bsky.social Instagram page and legitimately thought it was satire. It isn't. It's about taking over one of the premier performing arts complexes in the country because drag exists
February 8, 2025 at 4:31 AM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
DC residents whenever they see a post telling people to call their senators
A meme from Fairly Odd Parents. In the first panel the father is gesturing to an empty podium behind a velvet rope and says "This is where I'd put my senator". In the second panel, the dad is bent over yelling "If I had one!!!"
February 4, 2025 at 9:44 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
The new diseases that will emerge with RFK Jr as HHS secretary
A beer tap for an IPA called "Monopolio"
January 27, 2025 at 3:48 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
Happy Panda Debut Day to those who celebrate!!!!
A panda with small black patches on its eyes and very round cute black ears climbs on a tree climbing structure thing at the zoo
January 24, 2025 at 2:18 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
And I sold my handmade greeting cards at a holiday market for the first time this year
A craft fair booth for a business called Sealed With a Kiss Cards, with about 30 greeting cards displayed
January 19, 2025 at 4:04 AM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
Oh fuck all the way off. I have zero interest in playing this "Trump savior" game
A pop up in the tiktok app that reads "Sorry, TikTok isn't available right now. A law banning TikTok has been enacted in the U.S. Unfortunately, that means you can't use tiktok for now. We are fortunate that President Trump has indicated that he will work with us on a solution to reinstate tiktok once he takes office. Please stay tuned!"
January 19, 2025 at 3:46 AM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
The bar is DIY???
A selection of liquor in pour top bottles sitting on top of a counter
January 14, 2025 at 10:31 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
Absolutely baffled that Miami has the jankiest Priority Pass lounge I've ever seen
What appears to be a packed doctor's office waiting room, but is in fact an airport lounge
January 14, 2025 at 10:29 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
A screenshot of a tweet by Pat Fussy that reads "Mine is sitting on a toilet and a hidden snake attacks my vagina but okay"
January 14, 2025 at 6:46 PM
drtoriespy.bsky.social
"You'll be visited by three spirits."

The three spirits:
Jeff Goldblum, Bill Paxton, and Will Smith on the set of Independence Day
December 25, 2024 at 4:17 AM