Sometimes I accidentally set my phone to "do not disturb", and then I don't realize for the rest of my life.

I was wearing a shirt with a picture of Harry Potter on it the first time I got a handjob #TenPointsForGryffindor

Call yourself a "political junkie" around me and you're getting the mallet.

Nothing more American than a handicap placard hanging in the windshield of a truck so big you need a ladder to get in.

Costco and Trader Joes are yin and yang. Together they form a harmonious balance. One sells big piles of normal food, the other sells small piles of weird food. These are the two food piles people need

Sitting in the Amtrak train in a beater so nobody wants to sit next to me.

Hey idiots, thanks for the free demonstration of the Dunning Krueger effect when you claim to love chicken and then order it well done at a restaurant. Look up cognitive dissonance.

Too much is made of how people "take" their coffee. Like, I don't really care if I'm drinking it with sugar, milk, bath water, owl pellets, or whatever. Let me just drink the hot beans that get me high.

Brother we need less KYRSTEN SINEMA and more CHRISTIAN CINEMA

My body thinks it can beat me down mentally by making my hair fall out when I shower, but the joke's on it because I'm not going to shower anymore.

Doing a full body cleanse today AKA taking a big shit.

If I find out any of you aren't thankful I'm gonna FUCK you up

The nicest houses/stores/museums/etc. are always super cold. The colder the venue, the nicer it is. There is nothing classier than a restaurant's walk-in freezer.

When I was a teenager, there were a few separate instances where I bench pressed more weight than I could handle & nearly injured myself because I didn't have a spotter. Being too embarrassed to ask for help could have gotten me seriously hurt. The moral of the story is I workout.

I haven't stubbed a toe in years. I'm due for a motherfucker of a stubbing.

I don't get the point of those super small ants. If you're gonna be an ant just do normal-sized.

Decades from now when America's a post-apocalyptic crater, 20 year old bros will still be chanting "U-S-A" as they eat their dead friends.

@luxcortex.bsky.social @hotdogsafari.bsky.social sup