djlond.bsky.social
@djlond.bsky.social
Just had my Christmas dinner.

I don't rate these slow cookers one bit!
January 6, 2026 at 2:31 PM
I made a life-sized wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, wooden doors and a wooden engine and you know what....
it wooden go!
🚙
January 2, 2026 at 1:22 PM
Footballers and rugby players struggle to communicate in foggy weather. They’re mist under stud.
January 1, 2026 at 3:12 PM
I never remember what people tell me at New Year’s parties.
It goes in one year and out the other
😂
December 31, 2025 at 10:53 PM
My New Year’s resolution is to buy a massive Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it!!!
December 28, 2025 at 1:16 PM
I come from a very musical house.

A flat…
December 27, 2025 at 12:06 PM
Did you know in Iceland, it's illegal to have sex on Christmas Eve. You will be arrested if caught.
Not sure about the other supermarkets though?
December 24, 2025 at 2:26 PM
We visited church to check out the festive music, but be careful if you go in, the choirs hand sanitiser is out of date and it burns a bit....Aarrgh!
Their year-old hand gels sting!..
December 23, 2025 at 4:50 PM
Uncle always said "If you love someone, let them go".

Nice bloke, terrible trapeze artist.
December 22, 2025 at 7:39 PM
I had to go to the doctors today because I keep saying things twice.

He gave me a repeat prescription.
December 21, 2025 at 3:20 PM
Whilst out shopping I could hear a brass band performing Christmas tunes.

As I took a closer look I noticed they were getting large quantities of spit and dribble everywhere.

Turns out they were the Salivation Army band.
December 17, 2025 at 1:50 PM
I’ve been working on a standup routine about drills.

But none of my bits seem to work.
December 15, 2025 at 3:57 PM
"Doc, I'm having trouble with my hands. I keep making a lot of mistakes on my keyboard."

"Well, obviously the problem is with your blood."

"What do you mean?"

"You're Type O."
December 13, 2025 at 2:49 PM
I injured my back today working at the Christmas decorations factory.

I told my boss and they said they would put me on light duties.
December 12, 2025 at 10:31 AM
I crashed my car one night after going to three parties!

My damage claim was rejected, despite having third party insurance.
December 9, 2025 at 4:08 PM
The other day I found an Action Man doll on my doorstep!
That was followed the next day by a model car & this morning there was a Barbie!

I think someone’s toying with me! 😡
December 7, 2025 at 1:23 PM
Reluctantly I am giving up my weekly yoga class.
The price has gone up from £15 per session to £30 and I just can't stretch to that.
December 6, 2025 at 10:16 AM
Personal Trainer - So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me - Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer.
December 1, 2025 at 6:29 PM
I like to sing in the car 🚗
But only when I put it in reverse.

I’m a back up singer 🎤
November 30, 2025 at 2:01 PM
I took a trip on an cruise. Once aboard, I saw no people, just hundreds of male cats.

That's when I realised I'd booked a tom cruise.
November 29, 2025 at 3:48 PM
Head down to your local dentist today for half price teeth cleaning…. It’s Plaque Friday!
November 28, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Why couldn’t the pig compete in the track and field event?

He kept pulling his ham string.
November 23, 2025 at 6:02 PM
I devised a foolproof cure for constipation but a professor of Gastroenterology poo-poohed it.
November 22, 2025 at 5:07 PM
My wife wants to start a business making hair-curling products.

Will she need a perm it?
November 20, 2025 at 11:54 AM
Paused a film to make a cup of tea.

I've now lost my job at the cinema.
November 19, 2025 at 6:24 PM