And physically so rewarding. I snarfle on her, she snarfles on me. I feed her, she drools, spits up, slobbers on me. I hold her, she nuzzles her head on me.

I’m in love, love like I’ve never been loved before.

She’s holding a toy with a wooden disc, string, and plastic bit on the end. As I narrate the room, the view, she alternates between eating the toy and babbling back at me.

I’d forgotten infancy until my second daughter arrived. What a wonderful phase- Exploration, teaching, feeding, holding.

Fake and (very much) Gay.

Et en nuit, en nuit c’est le même-

I am at the end of it now, nearly in bed it’s too many things to list. The exact same motions and items and shit over and over and I want to defenestrate all of it. L’apartement entire!

I’m so tired of thinking and I’m so tired of dreading la nuit après.

Make breakfast- cut fruit, grab dishes, organize, je coupe cruit d’était pour déjeuner, take out cups, tea cups, je fais porridges, je assemble et fais les smoothies, then I clean it all up and gather clothes for my eldest to go to camp.

Et encore et encore et encore
Tous le jours tous les temps

Perhaps this is why people find religion? Something or someone greater than ourselves can save us from this wretched mess. But I’ve already left that behind. I know the truth of religion- It is meant to control people and make them feel guilty for their decisions.

No, I won’t go back to that.

My logical mind tells my questioning mind the truth and my questioning mind, my hopeful mind, my future-thinking mind rejects the truth so I dream at night.

During the day I ask myself, “How long will this continue? For how many months and years do I have to endure this state of mind and body?”

A roar so loud it would drown the loud sounds present in my teenage mind. I’m sure it would do it now too.

Anything for quiet in this forty-four year old mind. Anything to stop the circular train of thoughts. Every couple of hours, the same train. Give me wave after wave instead.