"They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'."

"I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'."

"I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it."

"Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive."