Patch pleading for food she's not allowed to eat:

Tom Emmer is a bootlicking choad.

ugh, I fell for it!

Schumer's weekly calendar:
S: Pretend to have a backbone
M: Pretend to have principles
T: Capitulate
W: Capitulate
TH: Suggest you might not Capitulate
F: Capitulate
S: Hide

Does the pipe organ work? Can you jam some Boston tunes on it?

Phenomenal work getting Tim Russert on the record!

almost choked on my water when I got to this line: Elon Musk has four jobs (Twitter, SpaceX, destroying the government illegally, and Tesla).

On Halloween night many years ago a woman knocked on my door and handed me the Halloween Chick tract instead of accepting candy. She never said a word, just handed me the booklet and left.
Not a great sales pitch, tbh.