Tune in for a rousing rendition of my new hit single Every Time I Take My Jacket Off (Some Cunt Makes Me Go Outside)
November 12, 2025 at 1:54 PM
Tune in for a rousing rendition of my new hit single Every Time I Take My Jacket Off (Some Cunt Makes Me Go Outside)
The hotel has turkey bacon
Vacation is ruined
Vacation is ruined
September 25, 2025 at 12:41 PM
The hotel has turkey bacon
Vacation is ruined
Vacation is ruined
Christians, just a reminder, when the rapture happens tomorrow, please leave your houses unlocked so we have access to them when you're gone. I have dibs on a TV evangelist's mega-mansion, so that's nice for me. But anyway, thanks for solving the housing crisis, I guess. Bye!
September 22, 2025 at 5:46 PM
Christians, just a reminder, when the rapture happens tomorrow, please leave your houses unlocked so we have access to them when you're gone. I have dibs on a TV evangelist's mega-mansion, so that's nice for me. But anyway, thanks for solving the housing crisis, I guess. Bye!
I'd probably have a PhD if universities stopped giving out certificates and started giving you a cool sheet of stickers or something
September 4, 2025 at 1:16 PM
I'd probably have a PhD if universities stopped giving out certificates and started giving you a cool sheet of stickers or something
Also, it's "run amok" not "run a muck"
Also, it’s “wreak havoc” not “reek havoc.”
Not to add to the discourse, but…
It’s ‘toe the line,’ not ‘tow the line.’
It’s ‘free rein,’ and not ‘free reign.’
It’s ‘eke out,’ not ‘eek out.’
It’s ‘sleight of hand,’ not ‘slight of hand.’
It's ‘Anchors aweigh,’ and not ‘Anchor's away!’
It’s ‘toe the line,’ not ‘tow the line.’
It’s ‘free rein,’ and not ‘free reign.’
It’s ‘eke out,’ not ‘eek out.’
It’s ‘sleight of hand,’ not ‘slight of hand.’
It's ‘Anchors aweigh,’ and not ‘Anchor's away!’
August 19, 2025 at 2:06 PM
Also, it's "run amok" not "run a muck"
Ozzy Osbourne once told me to fuck off, so yes, I am cooler than you
July 22, 2025 at 8:03 PM
Ozzy Osbourne once told me to fuck off, so yes, I am cooler than you
Why is it called the "Great Canadian Dollar Store" and not "The Loonie Bin"?
July 5, 2025 at 8:34 PM
Why is it called the "Great Canadian Dollar Store" and not "The Loonie Bin"?
I hate when people describe others as "inspiring". Ed Gein could inspire you to make a lamp, but that doesn't make him a good person
June 19, 2025 at 1:14 PM
I hate when people describe others as "inspiring". Ed Gein could inspire you to make a lamp, but that doesn't make him a good person
Motörhead opening for Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper opening for Mötley Crüe, or Paul Kelly opening for Bob Dylan
Sorry... Böb Dÿlan
Sorry... Böb Dÿlan
Who was the best opening act you've seen live?
June 5, 2025 at 11:45 PM
Motörhead opening for Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper opening for Mötley Crüe, or Paul Kelly opening for Bob Dylan
Sorry... Böb Dÿlan
Sorry... Böb Dÿlan
I wish AI would hurry up and take my job. I'm exhausted.
May 30, 2025 at 3:51 PM
I wish AI would hurry up and take my job. I'm exhausted.
I've never seen it, but my favourite movie title is "How Green Was My Valley?" because you can put the inflection on any word and make it a totally different question
May 20, 2025 at 4:04 PM
I've never seen it, but my favourite movie title is "How Green Was My Valley?" because you can put the inflection on any word and make it a totally different question
Does nobody read these things before putting them out?
"I used to just be a ho owner"
"I used to just be a ho owner"
May 7, 2025 at 4:45 PM
Does nobody read these things before putting them out?
"I used to just be a ho owner"
"I used to just be a ho owner"
Nobody ran my optometrist's social media handle by an Australian
April 17, 2025 at 11:40 PM
Nobody ran my optometrist's social media handle by an Australian
The white middle-class obsession with how much the house you sold ten years ago is now worth
April 8, 2025 at 3:07 PM
The white middle-class obsession with how much the house you sold ten years ago is now worth
One of America's Turd In Chief's least serious, but most annoying legacies is coining the term "fake news" because he lacked the vocabulary to revive a word like "bunk" or "hokum"
We could have been using "hogwash" unironically, but the orange scrote has a 4th grader's grasp of the English language
We could have been using "hogwash" unironically, but the orange scrote has a 4th grader's grasp of the English language
February 18, 2025 at 7:14 PM
One of America's Turd In Chief's least serious, but most annoying legacies is coining the term "fake news" because he lacked the vocabulary to revive a word like "bunk" or "hokum"
We could have been using "hogwash" unironically, but the orange scrote has a 4th grader's grasp of the English language
We could have been using "hogwash" unironically, but the orange scrote has a 4th grader's grasp of the English language
In 1997, Austin Powers was about a spy from 1967
In 2027, I want to see a movie, starring Matt Berry, about a spy from 1997
In 2027, I want to see a movie, starring Matt Berry, about a spy from 1997
February 11, 2025 at 3:21 PM
In 1997, Austin Powers was about a spy from 1967
In 2027, I want to see a movie, starring Matt Berry, about a spy from 1997
In 2027, I want to see a movie, starring Matt Berry, about a spy from 1997
I'm listening to three middle-aged white women discuss the Superbowl halftime show
It's the whitest, middle-agiest conversation I've heard in quite some time
It's the whitest, middle-agiest conversation I've heard in quite some time
February 10, 2025 at 4:17 PM
I'm listening to three middle-aged white women discuss the Superbowl halftime show
It's the whitest, middle-agiest conversation I've heard in quite some time
It's the whitest, middle-agiest conversation I've heard in quite some time
Someone at NYT is a David Lynch fan
February 7, 2025 at 12:53 PM
Someone at NYT is a David Lynch fan
It's funny how a colon can really change a sentence
There's a big difference between:
"My wife's perfume smells like flowers, ginger, and fresh cut grass"
and
"My wife's perfume smells like a colon"
There's a big difference between:
"My wife's perfume smells like flowers, ginger, and fresh cut grass"
and
"My wife's perfume smells like a colon"
February 4, 2025 at 12:55 PM
It's funny how a colon can really change a sentence
There's a big difference between:
"My wife's perfume smells like flowers, ginger, and fresh cut grass"
and
"My wife's perfume smells like a colon"
There's a big difference between:
"My wife's perfume smells like flowers, ginger, and fresh cut grass"
and
"My wife's perfume smells like a colon"
Did we stop testing the precognitive powers of animals with groundhogs?
Did anyone ask a porcupine what they know about the stock exchange?
Did anyone ask a porcupine what they know about the stock exchange?
February 3, 2025 at 12:13 PM
Did we stop testing the precognitive powers of animals with groundhogs?
Did anyone ask a porcupine what they know about the stock exchange?
Did anyone ask a porcupine what they know about the stock exchange?
I can't stand being told something is "an acquired taste"
That doesn't mean it's good. It just means you got used to how bad it is!
That doesn't mean it's good. It just means you got used to how bad it is!
January 21, 2025 at 1:08 PM
I can't stand being told something is "an acquired taste"
That doesn't mean it's good. It just means you got used to how bad it is!
That doesn't mean it's good. It just means you got used to how bad it is!
Is there an anthropological connection between the three test clicks you have to do before using tongs, and the three test clicks you have to do to prove your stapler is empty?
January 10, 2025 at 4:22 PM
Is there an anthropological connection between the three test clicks you have to do before using tongs, and the three test clicks you have to do to prove your stapler is empty?
I can't believe it's 2025, I'm still writing WTF on my paperwork
January 9, 2025 at 3:56 PM
I can't believe it's 2025, I'm still writing WTF on my paperwork
Hey, colourblind people, what's your opinion on Marvel switching from a grey Hulk in Avengers to a grey Hulk in the new Captain America?
January 4, 2025 at 4:36 PM
Hey, colourblind people, what's your opinion on Marvel switching from a grey Hulk in Avengers to a grey Hulk in the new Captain America?
I haven't had a Facebook account since 2018, but my mother still insists on sending me links that I can't see
January 2, 2025 at 9:11 PM
I haven't had a Facebook account since 2018, but my mother still insists on sending me links that I can't see