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WASHINGTON—Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, “There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship.” “Communication is key in every strong marriage, and that includes communication about airstrikes on foreign adversaries,” said the Pentagon chief, who called the mere idea […]

GAINESVILLE, FL—Upending the conventional theory that the animals are different species, a study conducted by marine biologists at the University of Florida confirmed Thursday that sharks are just really angry dolphins. “An exhaustive five-year-long field study combined with comprehensive DNA analysis proves that sharks are actually dolphins that are super fucking pissed,” said lead researcher Dr. Karen Delgado, noting that the reason sharks were considered solitary animals was because they were simply livid dolphins who needed to go off by themselves for a while to simmer down. “Once a dolphin becomes furious, it undergoes a number of physiological changes including growing several rows of jagged teeth, sprouting gills, and developing a layer of skin that seals up the blowhole. In rare cases, a dolphin can become so enraged that its head will morph into a flat, hammer-like shape. Eventually, the mammal calms down and rejoins the pod after its dolphin-like features return.” Delgado added that her team’s study comes in the wake of a similar discovery that walruses are profoundly wise sea lions.

NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. “Studies of the past tell us that nitpicking the particular semantics […]