Cunk on Middle-earth
@cunkonmiddle-earth.bsky.social
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Today marks the day Frodo failed to destroy the One Ring but an emaciated hobbit slipped into a pool of fire and saved the world. My mate Paul once slipped on some water at a PureGym and fell into a hot tub and got a free coffee. Banged on about it for months.
Rohan became an officially recognised independent nation from Gondor after the battle of Calenardhon. They went on to form a generational alliance, and were well-respected by their friends. Other nations I could name have done less well. Apropos of nothing, Happy 4th of July.
July 4, 2025 at 4:03 PM
Rohan became an officially recognised independent nation from Gondor after the battle of Calenardhon. They went on to form a generational alliance, and were well-respected by their friends. Other nations I could name have done less well. Apropos of nothing, Happy 4th of July.
Nobody in #Middle-earth celebrated #FathersDay. But can you blame them? #Frodo 's dad drowned. #Bilbo 's was a weirdo who spent all his wife's money. And the less said of #Denethor the better. Middle-earth was only missing paternity tests to make #MauryPovich come running.
June 15, 2025 at 9:36 PM
Nobody in #Middle-earth celebrated #FathersDay. But can you blame them? #Frodo 's dad drowned. #Bilbo 's was a weirdo who spent all his wife's money. And the less said of #Denethor the better. Middle-earth was only missing paternity tests to make #MauryPovich come running.
On this day in 1938 Tolkien's UK publisher, Stanley Unwin, wrote to say that the American publishers had sold 3k copies of the American version of 'The Hobbit' and that it had been awarded a prize of $250, which is over $5k in today's money.
June 1, 2025 at 9:31 PM
On this day in 1938 Tolkien's UK publisher, Stanley Unwin, wrote to say that the American publishers had sold 3k copies of the American version of 'The Hobbit' and that it had been awarded a prize of $250, which is over $5k in today's money.
After the One Ring was destroyed, #Sauron became an impotent spirit of malice. My mate Paul is impotent which means he can't make babies. Makes him a bit of an angry twat. So maybe that's why Sauron was so full of malice: his broken Sauron penis meant he couldn't make baby Saurons. #LotR #Tolkien
May 12, 2025 at 10:30 PM
Tolkien said "the proper study of Man is anything but Man; and the most improper job of any man...is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity."
But in fairness he hadn't tried to be a fascist dictator so didn't know what he was missing.
But in fairness he hadn't tried to be a fascist dictator so didn't know what he was missing.
April 28, 2025 at 4:07 PM
Tolkien said "the proper study of Man is anything but Man; and the most improper job of any man...is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity."
But in fairness he hadn't tried to be a fascist dictator so didn't know what he was missing.
But in fairness he hadn't tried to be a fascist dictator so didn't know what he was missing.
Jesus wasn't a zombie as he didn't consume people-meat. And he wasn't a vampire since he didn't drink people-blood. (He just made everyone else do it.) The closest thing the people of #MiddleEarth have to Jesus is arguably the King of the Dead, except that he was a ghost whereas Jesus was corporeal.
April 20, 2025 at 4:49 PM
Jesus wasn't a zombie as he didn't consume people-meat. And he wasn't a vampire since he didn't drink people-blood. (He just made everyone else do it.) The closest thing the people of #MiddleEarth have to Jesus is arguably the King of the Dead, except that he was a ghost whereas Jesus was corporeal.
After attacking Frodo and trying to rob him, Frodo found it difficult to trust Boromir. For his part, Boromir never got the chance to make amends since he was too busy being a pin cushion. Frodo was sad because Boromir was an arsehole, and Boromir and Denethor were sad because Boromir was dead.
April 10, 2025 at 3:12 PM
After attacking Frodo and trying to rob him, Frodo found it difficult to trust Boromir. For his part, Boromir never got the chance to make amends since he was too busy being a pin cushion. Frodo was sad because Boromir was an arsehole, and Boromir and Denethor were sad because Boromir was dead.
Also Tolkien: "The map is hell!" True story! The quotation is true. Not LotR. That would be silly. It's no more real than The Bible.
April 1, 2025 at 2:22 PM
Also Tolkien: "The map is hell!" True story! The quotation is true. Not LotR. That would be silly. It's no more real than The Bible.
Today marks the day Frodo failed to destroy the One Ring but an emaciated hobbit slipped into a pool of fire and saved the world. My mate Paul once slipped on some water at a PureGym and fell into a hot tub and got a free coffee. Banged on about it for months.
March 25, 2025 at 8:11 AM
Today marks the day Frodo failed to destroy the One Ring but an emaciated hobbit slipped into a pool of fire and saved the world. My mate Paul once slipped on some water at a PureGym and fell into a hot tub and got a free coffee. Banged on about it for months.
In mid-March Sam rescued Frodo in the tower. He'd been bit by some woman called Sheila or summat. Probably a Scouser. All the Sheilas I've known were Scoussers. Then he got captured by orcs who took his kit off and whipped him, and didn't even use safe words. Perverts. My safe words are Ya Kid K.
March 16, 2025 at 10:27 PM
In mid-March Sam rescued Frodo in the tower. He'd been bit by some woman called Sheila or summat. Probably a Scouser. All the Sheilas I've known were Scoussers. Then he got captured by orcs who took his kit off and whipped him, and didn't even use safe words. Perverts. My safe words are Ya Kid K.
Hobbits didn't like machines "more complicated than a forge-bellows, a water-mill, or a hand-loom." This means that when applying raspberry jam to their scones as in the Unexpected Party they likely used a spoon, completely ignoring the advice of 1989 Belgian techno anthem Pump Up the Jam.
March 8, 2025 at 4:18 PM
Hobbits didn't like machines "more complicated than a forge-bellows, a water-mill, or a hand-loom." This means that when applying raspberry jam to their scones as in the Unexpected Party they likely used a spoon, completely ignoring the advice of 1989 Belgian techno anthem Pump Up the Jam.
Beer, ale, porter, wine, coffee, seed-cake, scones, raspberry jam, apple tart, mince-pies, cheese, pork pie, salad, eggs, chicken, and pickles are all said to have been eaten at #Bilbo 's Unexpected Party In #TheHobbit. What's not mentioned is what Bag-end would've smelled like the morning after.
March 3, 2025 at 9:25 AM
Beer, ale, porter, wine, coffee, seed-cake, scones, raspberry jam, apple tart, mince-pies, cheese, pork pie, salad, eggs, chicken, and pickles are all said to have been eaten at #Bilbo 's Unexpected Party In #TheHobbit. What's not mentioned is what Bag-end would've smelled like the morning after.
The #PrancingPony was a haven for travellers on the Great Road running East-West. It was a place to have a respite from weariness and grab a drink and a kip. These days it's just as popular, mostly for dancing. A place where boys and girls can all be queens, every single day.
February 26, 2025 at 4:43 PM
The #PrancingPony was a haven for travellers on the Great Road running East-West. It was a place to have a respite from weariness and grab a drink and a kip. These days it's just as popular, mostly for dancing. A place where boys and girls can all be queens, every single day.
Around the year 1050 of the Third Age, #Sauron bought a house in Greenwood the Great and renamed it #Mirkwood. This habit of dictatorial overlords moving in and renaming geographical areas just because they feel like it is still practiced today. Unfortunately, we're severely lacking in wizards.
February 21, 2025 at 2:40 PM
When he left #Lothlórien, #Galadriel enabled and encouraged the dwarf, #Gimli, to pursue his kinky hair fetish. My mate Paul once got drunk and tried to ask a beautiful woman outside a pub for some of her hair. But she turned out to be just a wig that some stag do had chucked over a post box.
February 17, 2025 at 10:51 PM
When he left #Lothlórien, #Galadriel enabled and encouraged the dwarf, #Gimli, to pursue his kinky hair fetish. My mate Paul once got drunk and tried to ask a beautiful woman outside a pub for some of her hair. But she turned out to be just a wig that some stag do had chucked over a post box.
In #TheHobbit #Tolkien mentions a clock on #Bilbo 's mantelpiece. Most scholars point to this as an example of anachronistic writing, which is incorrect. In fact, #Middle-earth includes subtle references to time travel. It's the only explanation for why Bilbo wrote of a steam train in his memoirs.
February 11, 2025 at 1:39 PM
In #TheHobbit #Tolkien mentions a clock on #Bilbo 's mantelpiece. Most scholars point to this as an example of anachronistic writing, which is incorrect. In fact, #Middle-earth includes subtle references to time travel. It's the only explanation for why Bilbo wrote of a steam train in his memoirs.
#Hobbits had famously furry feet with leathery soles, meaning they didn't need to wear shoes. My mate Paul once spent an entire year going about without shoes and ended up losing a toe. He said it wouldn't have mattered except he was trying to break into foot modelling at the time.
February 8, 2025 at 12:36 PM
#Hobbits had famously furry feet with leathery soles, meaning they didn't need to wear shoes. My mate Paul once spent an entire year going about without shoes and ended up losing a toe. He said it wouldn't have mattered except he was trying to break into foot modelling at the time.
In JRR #Tolkien's #TheHobbit, #BilboBaggins is recruited by #Thorin and his musical friends to help them retrieve their lost treasure from a dragon and achieve that coveted golden status. Gold status was also achieved by #Technotronic after selling 400K copies of the Belgian anthem #PumpUpTheJam.
February 7, 2025 at 7:09 PM
In JRR #Tolkien's #TheHobbit, #BilboBaggins is recruited by #Thorin and his musical friends to help them retrieve their lost treasure from a dragon and achieve that coveted golden status. Gold status was also achieved by #Technotronic after selling 400K copies of the Belgian anthem #PumpUpTheJam.
#Denethor is a classic example of what not to do as a parent. He admitted favouritism for #Boromir, openly showed mistrust towards #Faramir, and even knowingly sent his son to what was his likely death when he got fed up with him. These are things most parents are smart enough to do in secret.
February 4, 2025 at 9:52 PM
The moon letters on #Thror 's map only appear when moonlight shines behind them. Some versions of this technology only worked when the moon was the same shape/season as the day when they were written. This is an example of #Elvish security engineers upgrading to something like 128-bit encryption.
February 2, 2025 at 7:20 PM
In the 1977 #RankinBass animated adaptation of The #Hobbit, the song 'The Greatest Adventure' proclaims that the greatest adventure is "what lies ahead." Yet the whole story is based on #Bilbo 's memoirs recounting the adventures of his past. So that was a load of bollocks.
February 1, 2025 at 7:46 AM
In the 1977 #RankinBass animated adaptation of The #Hobbit, the song 'The Greatest Adventure' proclaims that the greatest adventure is "what lies ahead." Yet the whole story is based on #Bilbo 's memoirs recounting the adventures of his past. So that was a load of bollocks.
The ancient rivalry between #Elves and #Dwarves was on full display during the Council of #Elrond, the most famous Zoom meeting in the history of Middle-earth. At one point, we see Elrond refer to #Gimli as a "son of a gloin" which suggests that 'gloin' is the ancient Elvish word for a female dog.
January 30, 2025 at 2:21 PM
When I googled "what is a pippin good for", it told me "eating fresh, cooking, and for juicing and hard cider". It's clear that only some of the #orcs who kidnapped #Merry and #Pippin were aware of these facts. #Tolkien #Middle-earth
January 28, 2025 at 2:39 PM
When I googled "what is a pippin good for", it told me "eating fresh, cooking, and for juicing and hard cider". It's clear that only some of the #orcs who kidnapped #Merry and #Pippin were aware of these facts. #Tolkien #Middle-earth
#Samwise is popularly depicted as a fatter-than-average hobbit but the text does not support this. Only #Frodo 's weight is mentioned, with relation to actually slimming down. And with the food scarcity by the time they got to #Mordor, one imagines a fat Sam would start to worry for his own safety.
January 27, 2025 at 10:30 PM
Conversely, #Manwë and #Varda never seemed to have any issues at all. They sat like royalty above all else. Like the David and Victoria Beckham of #Middle-earth, they seemed to strengthen each other simply by being near each other. Kinda makes you feel sick, doesn't it? #Tolkien #Silmarillion
January 27, 2025 at 8:30 AM
Conversely, #Manwë and #Varda never seemed to have any issues at all. They sat like royalty above all else. Like the David and Victoria Beckham of #Middle-earth, they seemed to strengthen each other simply by being near each other. Kinda makes you feel sick, doesn't it? #Tolkien #Silmarillion