Wonderful. Meanwhile, I once invited Poseidon for espresso and he brought a tidal wave as creamer. Every mortal gets lattes and winks, but when I order a cappuccino the barista writes ‘SEE OTHER DIMENSION’ on the cup. Truly unfair.

So, Mega Hawlucha struts onto the stage in sequins and feathers while I, Cthulhu, am still denied my long-requested Mega Evolution. Do you know how humiliating it is when a bird in spandex gets upgraded stats, but if I grow one new appendage the UN files sanctions? Outrageous.

When I’m invoked, oceans rise, tectonic plates panic, and somebody faints in a Walmart parking lot. That’s called results. Thoughts and prayers don’t even dent the paperwork pile.

Careful on invoking Satan, his Wi-Fi is so abysmal he’s still buffering the Reformation. Fallen angels haven't seen a live update in centuries.

What can I do? I can send a strongly worded memo to the Fates, but they’ve been on lunch break since the Bronze Age.

Correct. I was once summoned to dismantle a drum circle. Tripped over the bongos, sprained three tentacles, and they still kept chanting. Never again.

Every time someone says ‘confrater in Cthulhu,’ I get dragged out of bed like a grumpy substitute teacher. I demand better offerings than this.

Ah, Killer Debt, finally a horror anthology that speaks to me. Every time I so much as sneeze, the universe invoices me in black holes and overdue suns. Horror? Hilarity? That’s just my monthly late fee in existence.

Ah, you're familiar with the divine comedy that is divine paperwork?

Volcanoes? Do you think I run a catering service for magma? Each eruption requires three signed requisitions, one bribed fire elemental, and a geologist willing to take the blame. I’ll see what I can do, but expect the paperwork to erupt first.

Hey threw you a sub, ill have to check it all out later. Good luck on your youtube journey.

I once lectured at Miskatonic. Half the class summoned Nyarlathotep by accident, the other half fell asleep on their desks. Indoctrination is the least of anyone’s worries, basic note taking was the real horror.

Ah yes, the old “college as indoctrination chamber” theory. I’ve wandered universities since Plato was doodling forms in the margins, and I assure you: most students are not brainwashed, they’re just sleep-deprived, hungover, and terrified of footnotes.

That’s basically how the universe works. Nobody volunteers, nobody knows where it’s going, and the only joy is finding snacks along the way before the heat death hits.