Miss Cthulhu Kettner
@cthulhukettner.bsky.social
Comedy writer, inventor of the cat fez, blower upper of bathrooms (well, one bathroom), and plaything of The Fates.
There is the most horrendous stench coming from SOMEWHERE. I can’t find the source so can only assume that filthy swine Harry Potter has died somewhere in my house whilst wearing his cloak of invisibility. He’d better not have been looking at my undies…which could possibly explain his death.
October 25, 2025 at 12:50 PM
There is the most horrendous stench coming from SOMEWHERE. I can’t find the source so can only assume that filthy swine Harry Potter has died somewhere in my house whilst wearing his cloak of invisibility. He’d better not have been looking at my undies…which could possibly explain his death.
I saw a link about weaving your own coffin with willow and I’m obsessed. I imagine falling out the bottom during my funeral, or the funeral director having to sit on the lid to get it shut. l envision a loved one asking for one last look at me and finding the pattern of willow embedded into my face.
October 19, 2025 at 4:57 PM
I saw a link about weaving your own coffin with willow and I’m obsessed. I imagine falling out the bottom during my funeral, or the funeral director having to sit on the lid to get it shut. l envision a loved one asking for one last look at me and finding the pattern of willow embedded into my face.
Ah, the memories…I want to say that I’m as alluring as all fuckery, but I have to admit that I’m probably the problem plaguing my life.
October 18, 2025 at 4:37 PM
Ah, the memories…I want to say that I’m as alluring as all fuckery, but I have to admit that I’m probably the problem plaguing my life.
Spent some time in the library close to a pensioner crafting group making some sort of crucifixion scene out of pipe cleaners, fabric and cereal boxes. Worryingly, one of them just asked why one old man had added a Hello Kitty to his work. I think the Hello Kitty of the Lord needs to be celebrated.
October 13, 2025 at 6:38 PM
Spent some time in the library close to a pensioner crafting group making some sort of crucifixion scene out of pipe cleaners, fabric and cereal boxes. Worryingly, one of them just asked why one old man had added a Hello Kitty to his work. I think the Hello Kitty of the Lord needs to be celebrated.
Well, I'm officially one year closer to being found rotted into the carpet covered in flies and having had my face partially eaten by cats.
September 30, 2025 at 4:02 PM
Well, I'm officially one year closer to being found rotted into the carpet covered in flies and having had my face partially eaten by cats.
The year was 1660 and I had been spending time as Charles II. This was the year I came out of exile and had my throne restored. Those were crazy times man...
September 27, 2025 at 6:01 PM
The year was 1660 and I had been spending time as Charles II. This was the year I came out of exile and had my throne restored. Those were crazy times man...
I decided to search for a list of celebrities born the same year as I was to see who I could take in a fight, and who would kick my arse. Upsettingly, they all seem like they’d put up a decent fight…as would the celebs 10, and 20 years older than me 😳
September 22, 2025 at 6:19 PM
I decided to search for a list of celebrities born the same year as I was to see who I could take in a fight, and who would kick my arse. Upsettingly, they all seem like they’d put up a decent fight…as would the celebs 10, and 20 years older than me 😳
…just heard a really loud and suspicious crash upstairs. The kind that people in horror films go and investigate before being horribly killed. I can’t be arsed to go look so I guess that’s the end of the film.
September 18, 2025 at 5:12 PM
…just heard a really loud and suspicious crash upstairs. The kind that people in horror films go and investigate before being horribly killed. I can’t be arsed to go look so I guess that’s the end of the film.
I’ve been reflecting on the old saying ‘if you pay peanuts you get monkeys’. Personally I'd have thought they'd be more attracted to the banana incentive…ELEPHANTS might be drawn by the offer of a bag of peanuts only they have no opposable thumbs so dextrous tasks are probably out of the question.
July 17, 2025 at 3:14 PM
I’ve been reflecting on the old saying ‘if you pay peanuts you get monkeys’. Personally I'd have thought they'd be more attracted to the banana incentive…ELEPHANTS might be drawn by the offer of a bag of peanuts only they have no opposable thumbs so dextrous tasks are probably out of the question.
My boy Derek Trotsky 10 years apart. It would appear he has contracted early onset Nick Nolte-ing, bless him. He remembers when all this was fields and you could have a night out for 50p
June 29, 2025 at 3:08 PM
My boy Derek Trotsky 10 years apart. It would appear he has contracted early onset Nick Nolte-ing, bless him. He remembers when all this was fields and you could have a night out for 50p
I’m really pleased that Duolingo is embracing the full French language experience by ensuring I am fully prepared for a Parisian verbal spat with someone who takes against me for reasons unknown. It would be a shock though - I’m thoroughly delightful.
June 26, 2025 at 12:20 PM
I’m really pleased that Duolingo is embracing the full French language experience by ensuring I am fully prepared for a Parisian verbal spat with someone who takes against me for reasons unknown. It would be a shock though - I’m thoroughly delightful.
Calling all snail shit experts!
June 11, 2025 at 7:59 PM
Calling all snail shit experts!
Today I learned that one of my nostrils is more roomy than the other. I encourage everyone to gauge their nostril capacity for reasons I have not yet thought of.
May 31, 2025 at 12:36 PM
Today I learned that one of my nostrils is more roomy than the other. I encourage everyone to gauge their nostril capacity for reasons I have not yet thought of.
I pretended to be dead on the floor to see what my dogs would do. The hairy one ran past me, grabbed a squeaky pork chop and squeaked it in my lifeless face for a bit. The bald one ran across my lifeless form to access the cat's dinner which he promptly ate - my dogs are rubbish.
May 29, 2025 at 9:15 PM
I pretended to be dead on the floor to see what my dogs would do. The hairy one ran past me, grabbed a squeaky pork chop and squeaked it in my lifeless face for a bit. The bald one ran across my lifeless form to access the cat's dinner which he promptly ate - my dogs are rubbish.
Ok, so I've just Googled 'muscle memory' and it's got nothing to do with your legs remembering what it was like when you were fit. I’m livid.
May 20, 2025 at 6:56 PM
Ok, so I've just Googled 'muscle memory' and it's got nothing to do with your legs remembering what it was like when you were fit. I’m livid.
I just had to pretend to be enthusiastic about my job to a bunch of people. I feel sick.
May 16, 2025 at 7:05 PM
I just had to pretend to be enthusiastic about my job to a bunch of people. I feel sick.
Brilliant night with Female Pilot Club at the 2025 showcase. Thank you to @athenakugblenu.bsky.social for being a bloody brilliant mentor and director of the read through of my script ‘What do we do about Belphegor?’ And thanks to the actors who brought my characters to life in such a fantastic way
May 14, 2025 at 5:19 PM
Brilliant night with Female Pilot Club at the 2025 showcase. Thank you to @athenakugblenu.bsky.social for being a bloody brilliant mentor and director of the read through of my script ‘What do we do about Belphegor?’ And thanks to the actors who brought my characters to life in such a fantastic way
So earlier, I gave a huge smile to the lovely black lab standing alone by the 'Support Guide Dogs for the Blind' stand outside the bank....turns out the bleeder wasn't real and now I look like a weirdo
May 9, 2025 at 7:20 PM
So earlier, I gave a huge smile to the lovely black lab standing alone by the 'Support Guide Dogs for the Blind' stand outside the bank....turns out the bleeder wasn't real and now I look like a weirdo
Bizarre dream of the week - I was looking through old photos of my mother and noticed that an austere, stovepipe-hatted Abe Lincoln was in every picture. My dream self was surprised that he was more modern a president than you’d think. Analyse THAT one!
May 5, 2025 at 11:49 AM
Bizarre dream of the week - I was looking through old photos of my mother and noticed that an austere, stovepipe-hatted Abe Lincoln was in every picture. My dream self was surprised that he was more modern a president than you’d think. Analyse THAT one!
Owen is W E I R D….
May 2, 2025 at 3:03 PM
Owen is W E I R D….
Christ, you’d think I joined the Crusades and pissed off to the Holy Land for 10 years - I only nipped to the shop for bread…
April 19, 2025 at 10:33 AM
Christ, you’d think I joined the Crusades and pissed off to the Holy Land for 10 years - I only nipped to the shop for bread…
Disappointed to discover that I’m not that mysterious, stranger on the edge of society. I’m the kind of person who trips over their flares whilst trying to catch a falling didgeridoo in the room they’re trying to turn into a peaceful meditation space....which has now been befouled with swear words.
April 8, 2025 at 11:27 AM
Disappointed to discover that I’m not that mysterious, stranger on the edge of society. I’m the kind of person who trips over their flares whilst trying to catch a falling didgeridoo in the room they’re trying to turn into a peaceful meditation space....which has now been befouled with swear words.
9 years ago I received a letter which began “I am writing to you ON BEHALF OF MYSELF” ….eh?
I still think about this. I also need to lose this from my memory bank to make way for useful stuff - like what I did yesterday…or why I just went upstairs.
I still think about this. I also need to lose this from my memory bank to make way for useful stuff - like what I did yesterday…or why I just went upstairs.
April 6, 2025 at 8:13 PM
9 years ago I received a letter which began “I am writing to you ON BEHALF OF MYSELF” ….eh?
I still think about this. I also need to lose this from my memory bank to make way for useful stuff - like what I did yesterday…or why I just went upstairs.
I still think about this. I also need to lose this from my memory bank to make way for useful stuff - like what I did yesterday…or why I just went upstairs.
Essential Welsh for the next time I’m a hobbit called Dewi who wakes up next to Smaug after a night on the piss…
March 28, 2025 at 9:13 PM
Essential Welsh for the next time I’m a hobbit called Dewi who wakes up next to Smaug after a night on the piss…
An excerpt of my script ‘What do we do about Belphegor?’ is one of the 5 which will be showcased. It would be lovely to say hi to folk so follow the link to get tickets. #femalepilotclub #ukcomedy #jessicaknappett #whatdowedoaboutbelphegor #comedysketty #
Female Pilot Club Showcase hosted by Jessica Knappett! - New comedy writing by working class women. Supported by BBC Comedy - Leicester Square Theatre
Female Pilot Club Showcase presents five new sit-com scripts by working-class women and supported by BBC Comedy. The ten minute extracts have been chosen by Female Pilot Club from 400+ submissions and...
www.leicestersquaretheatre.com
March 27, 2025 at 11:24 AM
An excerpt of my script ‘What do we do about Belphegor?’ is one of the 5 which will be showcased. It would be lovely to say hi to folk so follow the link to get tickets. #femalepilotclub #ukcomedy #jessicaknappett #whatdowedoaboutbelphegor #comedysketty #