When do I get to sign up for a microplastic removal subscription? Instead of like Netflix which gives you shitty content, it takes it away. Can't wait to be indebted to them.

Albuquerque police in the news for taking bribes. I knew they were jacked. When I fought off an attacker who was breaking into my house they took hours to respond. Another time when I called to complain about a naked lady screaming in the streets, the whole force was there in 2 minutes.

I got the stomach flu on the same day my dad passed. I was grieving and heaving. I wasn't sure if I was more sad about my dad being dead than I was about being alive. Anyway, godspeed to whatever is next, old man.

Omniverts are able to eat both extroverts and introverts. They don't care as long as it is calories.

For those who were complaining about the price of groceries, I have some tarrif(ic) news for you. It is going to get worse, much worse.

If you are mad because your favorite game got shut down in relation to the TikTok ban, recognize the power the Chinese have to hold your hobbies hostage until you allow them control again.

I am trying to follow Michael Pollan's advice of "eat food, not a lot, mostly plants", but those pop-tarts I spied had a different idea.

I am ditching cable news from now on and going to the PBS News Hour. It is dry, boring, but only facts and no crazy pundits screaming death daily.

If you need your news to be entertaining, it is not news. It is propaganda.

Bring solutions, not problems. Instead of crabbing about something at work, go to your boss with a way to fix it. You usually get it fixed in the way that is most beneficial to you and it makes you look valuable.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on a Macy's Day Float singing "Why Can't We Be Friends".

Because salmonella, my friend. Salmonella.

A majority of your resumes suck shit. Find big numbers and dollars in your tasks and write them down. Even a McDonalds job can sound sexy: Assisted in the annual sales/distribution of 3 millions dollars of food to over 80,000 customer; store #1 in (blank).

When you get a task, try to find one tiny, low-effort thing to improve upon it. Stack of papers? Call these people? Log results in a spreadsheet. Return collated or in a folder. People will think you are a "real go-getter" and you will rise above your peers. #advice

It strikes me as odd that many people do not know that you only require 3-5% down on a home rather than 20%. Housing markets vary wildly, but a cute starter 2br 1 bath home in Carlisle PA you just need to save $7,500. #advice

If you can figure out what a person's "pain point" is (e.g. lateness, communication preferences, cleanliness) and avoid or even solve it, you will have a friend/ally for life. #advice