EVERYWHERE—As the influence of the nation’s transgender individuals continues to encroach on the freedoms of the U.S. populace, sources confirmed Tuesday that increasingly powerful trans person Tori R...

Beautifully stated, young man!

Alt: a molotov cocktail is being thrown from a bottle in the dark .

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good. Initial attempts to subdue the wailing child, which reportedly included presenting her with a bottle and later a stuffed animal, are said to have failed miserably, leading onlookers to conclude that the inept adults lacked even the most basic child-rearing skills. In addition, the baby’s incessant screaming only worsened following the couple’s repeated attempts to soothe her, further highlighting their profound inadequacies as a mother and father. At press time, sources confirmed another child just a few feet away from the bawling infant was not crying, and was therefore being raised by good parents who loved her.

HUNTSVILLE, AL—In an effort to comfort the child by telling her the funds had gone to a far better place, local parents Blake and Allison McKee gently explained to their daughter Friday that their mon...