REMEMBER

Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will, but...

... so too does putting all your money into fell*tio-themed memecoins.

For those interested, my cat will be conducting a two-day workshop next week on "FINDING SUCCESS THROUGH NARCISSISM"

Space will be limited

This is a good time to remind everyone that the turkeys we will eat today have been sourced from avian penitentiaries and are birds that committed some of the most vile crimes imaginable.

So, eat with a clear conscious. Your juicy bird had it coming.

For the last 27 years, every time I tune into the Macy's Parade I ask myself, "where the f**k is Willard Scott?

Thanksgiving is always more joyful when you read your turkey's rap sheet after saying grace.

It is comforting to know that the big juicy bird not only filled your belly, but that in the process you took a dangerous monster off the streets.

If you haven't found that turkey baster that you lost in the cesspool that you call a bedroom by now, perhaps it's best to just buy a new one before Thursday