hm ok that might be the essay. shoutouts to tweets, which are good for very few things but longform work skeletonization is one of em...

i.e. probably the relationship between my pain and others' pain is complicated and in no means hierarchical... and also I am responsible for my pain and they theirs but aren't we all on this earth to bear each others' burdens when we can

reading that back is real corny but it is true... growing up I feel like I constantly oscillated between "my pain is the worst pain in the world" and "my pain is nothing compared to everyone else's pain" but, idk, to quote my friend, "reality has SO MUCH DETAIL"

i'm kind of always thinking about that part in fun home where alison bechdel is describing her childhood of OCD rituals (which, girl, same) and how she got rid of them in a frankly OCD-like fashion (scheduling deliberate abberations) and like if that's what it takes then that's what it takes tbh

!! similarly hydration & good ergonomics & regular exercise have been good for me, but i'm not always good at showing up for myself in those ways 😅 thx for the reminder & encouragement to see a dr though :)

I do think about my life before and it sort of feels like, unattainable now, the speed I was going at then? hmm... a visit to the dr may be in the cards soon

most days it's managable but that's also partially because I've structured my life the last few years (I think it started ~April/May 2022?) to make it managable (taking less classes, doing less, etc.)... come to think of it I did get covid the winter before

I don't have identical symptoms but I also have some nightmare cocktail of inflammatory / autoimmune / arthritic flavored pain, so I feel you :( my current self diagnosis is some kinda psoriatic arthritis but I haven't super had the spoons to Go To A Doctor about it yet

attach it to the wall and have it control all my lights and maybe a projector and sound system but the only exposed hooks are like "slider that controls the degree to which your apartment has the perfect vibe for sitting in the bath and listening to the playlists you made when you were 15 "

it is basically not fun to make basic voice agents anymore after o1 so i think my next step is to make a weird tangible interface with silly knobs and sliders, all ceramic and hardwood